and an Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Boogie Man and whatever damn else I can use to bribe you with.
This time of year seems not only brings out the goofy holiday cheer in me, but also often makes me think of my childhood during the month of December. It was the eighties, so being in a choir singing songs about "our Lord," decorating our class Christmas tree with nativity scene ornaments and saying "Merry Christmas" all the time was normal. Today, kids stick to singing Jingle Bells, usually the only Christmas tree in classrooms are the paper ones the kids cut out themselves and we tend to say Happy Holidays. None of this bothers me. I'm not ranting about religion, beliefs or "non-denominational" Christmas like my mother does after a bottle of sherry. I respect everyone's freedom to celebrate the holiday as they like. But for the love of Christ, leave Santa and the Easter Bunny out of it!
I am a new parent. My daughter is 14 months old and we have our second due in June. I would love to sit back and say that both will be perfect and they will listen to everything I say. "Ava, brush your teeth." "OK, daddy, I love you." HA!!!!!! Keep dreaming. So what am I to do if my kids refuse to brush their teeth? Am I going to sit a five year old Ava down for an hour's lecture on the horrible risks of tooth decay and bleeding gums, or am I going to to tell her that the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to kids with rotten teeth? I think we both know the answer...
This time every year there is always some story about people complaining about how we've forgotten the True Meaning of Christmas and the story of Santa is a mockery to what we "should" be celebrating. I can't help but wonder if these people are childless. Or perhaps they are such great parents that there is no time in December when their child is behaving so aggravatingly that they don't have to break out the Santa threats.
Don't get me wrong. I will teach my kids the meaning of Christmas and Easter the same way I learned it - sitting them down and and making them watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Passion of the Christ in succession. You're right Mr Grinch, Christmas did come without ribbons. It did come without tags. It did come without packages, boxes and tags. I get it. I really, really get it.
I understand that people celebrate Christmas in different ways. Some have Santa, some don't. Between the age of nine (when I found out the truth about Santa) until Ava was born, I never gave it a second thought. I'd read these articles year after year and think it was a good debate. But today? What am I seriously going to do without him when come Christmas Eve my kids won't sleep? "Children, it's bed time! If you don't go to sleep you won't get any, uh, turkey tomorrow night!"?
In the end, I don't think Santa was really this saint from Holland who gave gifts to the less fortunate. I think it was some fat old dude back in the third century who was home with his kids one night. They were probably terrorizing the house by throwing cobble all over the place or chiseling their names in the wall when daddy just couldn't take it anymore and told them to be quiet or they won't get the roman statuettes he'd just bartered for. That hushed them up. He bragged to all his friends about how he got his kids to be good by bribing them with gifts and the story took off from there. Eitherway, I will do the same whether in December or April or whenever my kid loses a tooth.
Happy Holidays all.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Dear Santa
Hope you are well and hope you are ready for the big trip around the world tonight. I don't want much this year, in fact, I really don't know what things are, so I'll be happy with anything. However, below is a list from daddy on the things I apparently need. I have been extra good this year and I know it's only my first full year outside of mommy's tummy, but man, I have been soooooo good. I have learned to walk, so now I'm able to run away from the bath tub faster. I have learned to talk, so now I can yell actual words all day long. I have learned to hold and drink from a sippy, so now I can fling it across the room when I don't want it. Even daddy calls me a "good girl" all the time. Just the other day we were at this government office and daddy was like number 50 in line to get to the front. So I decided to scream and get fussy and all of a sudden we were moved to the front of line and he was like "good girl, Ava.” Yay me!
Anywho, how is Mrs. Claus? Is she staying home with the elves tonight? Actually, is she home with them every day and night? How does she do it? That's a lot of elves to tend to. It's just me and daddy all day and he's always like "freeze, Ava!” or “get that out of your mouth.” And I'm always like "waaahh, waaahh” or “ahhhhhhh" and he's always like "what are you yelling at?” But I couldn't imagine being home with one elf, let alone that many.... You know, maybe if you have ten minutes tonight you should talk to my dad about quitting and taking some time to raise the elves and reindeer for awhile. Daddy seems to be handling it pretty well. Just the other day while I was yelling in my stroller on the way home he was like "wow, thank you for being so pleasant Ava!" and I was like "awwwwwww that's sweet, waaaaaahhhhhhh!"
I hope one day I get to meet you but for now I will keep leaving you letters and milk and cookies. So, like I said, below is a list of things daddy says I need, so I guess that's all I want for Christmas.
Love Ava
1) Ava, you need to stop putting everything in your mouth.
2) Ava, you need to hold still while daddy changes your diaper.
3) Ava, you need a nap.
4) Ava, you need to eat.
5) Ava, you need to stop grabbing the lamp.
6) Ava, you need to be careful with that knife (haha, just kidding "knives are NOT for babies")
7) Ava, you need a bath.
8) Ava, you need to learn to say momma so mommy will stop thinking I'm not trying to teach you that word.
9) Ava, you need to stop yelling at daddy.
10) Ava, you need to grow up and be rich so mommy and daddy can retire.
Anywho, how is Mrs. Claus? Is she staying home with the elves tonight? Actually, is she home with them every day and night? How does she do it? That's a lot of elves to tend to. It's just me and daddy all day and he's always like "freeze, Ava!” or “get that out of your mouth.” And I'm always like "waaahh, waaahh” or “ahhhhhhh" and he's always like "what are you yelling at?” But I couldn't imagine being home with one elf, let alone that many.... You know, maybe if you have ten minutes tonight you should talk to my dad about quitting and taking some time to raise the elves and reindeer for awhile. Daddy seems to be handling it pretty well. Just the other day while I was yelling in my stroller on the way home he was like "wow, thank you for being so pleasant Ava!" and I was like "awwwwwww that's sweet, waaaaaahhhhhhh!"
I hope one day I get to meet you but for now I will keep leaving you letters and milk and cookies. So, like I said, below is a list of things daddy says I need, so I guess that's all I want for Christmas.
Love Ava
1) Ava, you need to stop putting everything in your mouth.
2) Ava, you need to hold still while daddy changes your diaper.
3) Ava, you need a nap.
4) Ava, you need to eat.
5) Ava, you need to stop grabbing the lamp.
6) Ava, you need to be careful with that knife (haha, just kidding "knives are NOT for babies")
7) Ava, you need a bath.
8) Ava, you need to learn to say momma so mommy will stop thinking I'm not trying to teach you that word.
9) Ava, you need to stop yelling at daddy.
10) Ava, you need to grow up and be rich so mommy and daddy can retire.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Me fail english?!? That's umpossible!
First, let me apologize for my failure to update. Between Thanksgiving, decking the halls in Clark Griswold fashion, understanding a 14 month old’s mentality and now studying for my US citizenship test, I have fallen behind in my blog more than my tenth grade Spanish class. However, it is that last sentence that leads me into my next round of musings....am I smarter than a fifth grader?
I have never considered myself "smart" but always classified my brains under "street smart." Season three of the Apprentice, Book vs Street Smarts, was the first reality show I ever felt I could be on and excel at. In fact, I think I "coulda been ooge." Nonetheless, you could imagine my disappointment during the season finale to see Book Smarts, Kendra Todd, win. Not sure what sort of degree you need to have to smile and say "my house is worth what?" eight times in an half hour episode, but I'm pretty sure my diploma would have gotten me at least that far...
Either way, for the last three months, I have spent the majority of my time repeating words like dog, cat or milk to Ava. We take tours around the house and neighborhood and point out things like trees, tables and toilets. When not trying to build her vocabulary by pointing out simple little objects, the rest of my time with her is spent singing quirky nursery rhymes or Disney theme music. If you think you know all the words to Heigh Ho, you are wrong. I was just like you.... And when I'm not with Ava I find my discussions with other adults are centered around children.
I was with my wife the other day at her OB-GYN appointment and this fellow looked at our stroller, then looked directly at my wife and said "how do you like that thing?" Oh, the emotions running through me when he said that. First, I was insulted that he asked my wife rather than me. Then forgiveness set in as I was just so excited to give him the details of our Uppababy stroller experience. I completely cut my wife off from answering, looked him square in the eyes and gave him the pros and cons. And it didn't stop there. When he thanked me for my opinion, I cornered him in the hall 30 minutes later to give more specs. What have I become? For the past 11 years I have spent my time talking with key decision makers about P&Ls, ROIs and NDA's. And if not business jargon I would build conversation around current events like the recession, or the Bush administration or how the Yankees’ payroll far exceeds the GDP of most developing countries. Today? I invented a new word: "smeeglebloggin." Ava loves it.
So what has happened to my mind over these past three months? I'm not sure but I accidently came across a banner ad for the "are you smarter than a fifth grader quiz" and thought sure, this should be interesting. Turns out I'm 15% smarter than one. WHAT?!?!?!? Um.... Is cause for concern? Have the last three months made me dumber....I mean, more dumb....I mean, less intelligent....I spend so much time teaching the basics to Ava and talking about cloth diapers, is it possible I have inadvertently dumbed myself down....I mean, become less smart...I mean, become more simple-minded...?
What is the compound word in this sentence--the bus driver took an alternate route to the airport? Pretty easy right? My wife is waaaaay smarter than me and got it wrong too so I don't feel that bad but still, it's a fifth grade question.... The "problem" is that I have surrounded myself with people who overwhelm me with stories about their children or the new "gotta have" children’s item. And, if it's not who I surround myself with I create my own damage; a day out on the town for me is to Macy’s Santaland. My wife and I haven't been out to a dinner party or out with another a couple, sans children, in forever and the truth is, I'm scared to. What do I talk about? Can we talk about the kids? I'm scared that someone is going to say "adult only conversation tonight" and I'm not sure what they are going to mean. It’s not that I won't be able to talk adult stuff, it's just that I'm not that up to speed on hot topics or world events. When it hits 7pm and Ava goes to sleep, it is very hard to find the mental strength after a day of singing the alphabet song to then open the NY Times to read about Obama's plea to the Senate to approve the contentious health care legislation. What's worse? I am I big NFL fan (go Pats!), but ask me who the Patriots played last Sunday......no clue, just know they won. If someone asked me "hey catch last weeks Patriot’s game?” what do I say? "No, I while Ava was sleeping I was researching what discoloration of toddler poop should be cause of concern”?
Now I can't say I was always an avid reader of novels. I gained most of my knowledge from reading online or magazines or even hands on. But, if I open an article on CNN and the second line doesn't rhyme with the first my power to keep reading on has vanished. I'm talking to you, Dana Bash - I know it's hard to find a word to rhyme with Lieberman but I'm sure if Dr Seuss was alive today he would find one... What's more, is I find I respond to people in rhymes. "Will that be cash or credit sir"? "It will be credit, I concur". And everything I do or see daily must have a moral story attached. I must pay for my Ava's Christmas gift with either cash or credit because if I don't it's stealing.
Now, don't get me wrong. This has been the most fulfilling job I have ever had. In a perfect world I would love to do this until school starts for all my kids (once they are even born), but we can't predict the future. It's just that I have to live like I have multiple personality disorder. One personality is 14 months old and the other is 32. The 14 month old talks slowly using words like dada or ball, pretends to fall all the time and acts as if hiding behind a couch is the funniest thing in the world. The 32 year old needs to remember things like you can't leave your hammer and nails lying around, you can't put your Blackberry on the table without locking it and you most certainly can never leave the toilet seat up (a rule that never seemed to make sense when my wife used to tell me not to do it before we had kids).
So yes, I fill my days up living a life as a 14 month old sees it. One day when all our kids are grown up maybe I will be able to reconnect with society and be an adult again. For now, I'm more of a chimp stuck in a Jack Hannah zoo experiment - I am learning how to adapt in my new habitat, I will point at stuff all day long, laugh like a maniac and one day when I'm just getting the hang of everything, I will be let back out into the wild unsure of what my new learnings will actually do for me. I will have to accept that my brain has been dulled a bit. I will have to accept I have lost some wit. I don't know if my intelligence will reappear. I do not know and will not fear.
Oh, and compound word is airport. Airport.
I have never considered myself "smart" but always classified my brains under "street smart." Season three of the Apprentice, Book vs Street Smarts, was the first reality show I ever felt I could be on and excel at. In fact, I think I "coulda been ooge." Nonetheless, you could imagine my disappointment during the season finale to see Book Smarts, Kendra Todd, win. Not sure what sort of degree you need to have to smile and say "my house is worth what?" eight times in an half hour episode, but I'm pretty sure my diploma would have gotten me at least that far...
Either way, for the last three months, I have spent the majority of my time repeating words like dog, cat or milk to Ava. We take tours around the house and neighborhood and point out things like trees, tables and toilets. When not trying to build her vocabulary by pointing out simple little objects, the rest of my time with her is spent singing quirky nursery rhymes or Disney theme music. If you think you know all the words to Heigh Ho, you are wrong. I was just like you.... And when I'm not with Ava I find my discussions with other adults are centered around children.
I was with my wife the other day at her OB-GYN appointment and this fellow looked at our stroller, then looked directly at my wife and said "how do you like that thing?" Oh, the emotions running through me when he said that. First, I was insulted that he asked my wife rather than me. Then forgiveness set in as I was just so excited to give him the details of our Uppababy stroller experience. I completely cut my wife off from answering, looked him square in the eyes and gave him the pros and cons. And it didn't stop there. When he thanked me for my opinion, I cornered him in the hall 30 minutes later to give more specs. What have I become? For the past 11 years I have spent my time talking with key decision makers about P&Ls, ROIs and NDA's. And if not business jargon I would build conversation around current events like the recession, or the Bush administration or how the Yankees’ payroll far exceeds the GDP of most developing countries. Today? I invented a new word: "smeeglebloggin." Ava loves it.
So what has happened to my mind over these past three months? I'm not sure but I accidently came across a banner ad for the "are you smarter than a fifth grader quiz" and thought sure, this should be interesting. Turns out I'm 15% smarter than one. WHAT?!?!?!? Um.... Is cause for concern? Have the last three months made me dumber....I mean, more dumb....I mean, less intelligent....I spend so much time teaching the basics to Ava and talking about cloth diapers, is it possible I have inadvertently dumbed myself down....I mean, become less smart...I mean, become more simple-minded...?
What is the compound word in this sentence--the bus driver took an alternate route to the airport? Pretty easy right? My wife is waaaaay smarter than me and got it wrong too so I don't feel that bad but still, it's a fifth grade question.... The "problem" is that I have surrounded myself with people who overwhelm me with stories about their children or the new "gotta have" children’s item. And, if it's not who I surround myself with I create my own damage; a day out on the town for me is to Macy’s Santaland. My wife and I haven't been out to a dinner party or out with another a couple, sans children, in forever and the truth is, I'm scared to. What do I talk about? Can we talk about the kids? I'm scared that someone is going to say "adult only conversation tonight" and I'm not sure what they are going to mean. It’s not that I won't be able to talk adult stuff, it's just that I'm not that up to speed on hot topics or world events. When it hits 7pm and Ava goes to sleep, it is very hard to find the mental strength after a day of singing the alphabet song to then open the NY Times to read about Obama's plea to the Senate to approve the contentious health care legislation. What's worse? I am I big NFL fan (go Pats!), but ask me who the Patriots played last Sunday......no clue, just know they won. If someone asked me "hey catch last weeks Patriot’s game?” what do I say? "No, I while Ava was sleeping I was researching what discoloration of toddler poop should be cause of concern”?
Now I can't say I was always an avid reader of novels. I gained most of my knowledge from reading online or magazines or even hands on. But, if I open an article on CNN and the second line doesn't rhyme with the first my power to keep reading on has vanished. I'm talking to you, Dana Bash - I know it's hard to find a word to rhyme with Lieberman but I'm sure if Dr Seuss was alive today he would find one... What's more, is I find I respond to people in rhymes. "Will that be cash or credit sir"? "It will be credit, I concur". And everything I do or see daily must have a moral story attached. I must pay for my Ava's Christmas gift with either cash or credit because if I don't it's stealing.
Now, don't get me wrong. This has been the most fulfilling job I have ever had. In a perfect world I would love to do this until school starts for all my kids (once they are even born), but we can't predict the future. It's just that I have to live like I have multiple personality disorder. One personality is 14 months old and the other is 32. The 14 month old talks slowly using words like dada or ball, pretends to fall all the time and acts as if hiding behind a couch is the funniest thing in the world. The 32 year old needs to remember things like you can't leave your hammer and nails lying around, you can't put your Blackberry on the table without locking it and you most certainly can never leave the toilet seat up (a rule that never seemed to make sense when my wife used to tell me not to do it before we had kids).
So yes, I fill my days up living a life as a 14 month old sees it. One day when all our kids are grown up maybe I will be able to reconnect with society and be an adult again. For now, I'm more of a chimp stuck in a Jack Hannah zoo experiment - I am learning how to adapt in my new habitat, I will point at stuff all day long, laugh like a maniac and one day when I'm just getting the hang of everything, I will be let back out into the wild unsure of what my new learnings will actually do for me. I will have to accept that my brain has been dulled a bit. I will have to accept I have lost some wit. I don't know if my intelligence will reappear. I do not know and will not fear.
Oh, and compound word is airport. Airport.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Maybe it's me.
I'm walking down Fifth Avenue, in Brooklyn, to go to the Y. I'm not a fast walker by any means, I mean; I am pushing a 30 lb stroller with a 20 lb toddler inside. But good lord! What is it about people that walk in threes of fours along the sidewalk?!? Seriously?!? You obviously see people coming at you and you can most certainly hear the screams of my child coming from behind you. But still, still you don't move. Is it wrong that I "accidentally" clip your heel with my front wheel? Or accidentally have my kid whip her sippy at you?
Either way, this makes me think of all the things that used to frustrate me pre-Ava and all the things that frustrate me now. Were my expectations of human behavior too high before or too high now? Is what I view as common courtesy not true today, or was I just such an ass before Ava was born that I thought I was too good for this world? You be the judge.
Below are two lists I created. The first is a list of all the things that used to tick me off before I had my daughter, and then after, before we decided I quit and stay home to raise her. The second is a list of all the things that really get to me today. It’s not that I don't find the things on the first list annoying anymore, but they just don't get under my skin as much. I don't know. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. Maybe I'm getting old and, like my father, find mostly everything in life pisses me off. Maybe it’s just me.
Angry List – pre-Ava
1. Drivers who don't signal. Apparently the effort to push down on that tiny little stick coming out of your steering wheel is waaaay too hard.
2. Two tellers staffed out of a possible seven at the bank on a Friday afternoon (because it’s a long weekend and I need to beat the traffic up north and been in line for 30 minutes).
3. Men who don't hold open doors for anyone.
People on the same flight as me with a child under eight (especially a baby), and sat anywhere close to me.
4. Cover charge at bars. What, precisely, is that money going towards?
5. The price of Maple Leaf hockey tickets. 1967, people. 1967!
6. When someone is hogging any piece of equipment at the gym. And by “hogging” I mean just sitting there staring at the girls.
7. People who brag about the car they drive. You will get married, and you will drive a mini van.
8. People who just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You all know who you are.
9. The Gap. Need I say more?
Angry List – Today
1. The collective sigh from all the passengers when they see me board the plane with a one year old. I know what you're all thinking - "not near me, not near me" - and I secretly pray it’s by someone who rolls their eyes.
2. Anyone, man or woman, who don't hold a door open for a person with a child. My child and I will give you the stink eye.
3. Child cover charge at family restaurants. Just add the price into the food so it’s not as upsetting.
4. Two tellers available out of possibly seven at a bank on any given day. My child WILL let you (and everyone else) know it’s taking too long.
5. All drivers.
6. The price of whole milk. Is this a golden cow?
7. When people sign up for free babysitting at the Y and don't show up. I could have used that spot but instead you’re home still contemplating whether or not to work out.
8. People who brag about the stroller they have. It’s metal and nylon people.
9. People that STILL just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You STILL know who you are.
10. Pediatrician offices. My visits are ten minutes flat. What's the hold up?
11. Baby Gap. No need to say more.
Either way, this makes me think of all the things that used to frustrate me pre-Ava and all the things that frustrate me now. Were my expectations of human behavior too high before or too high now? Is what I view as common courtesy not true today, or was I just such an ass before Ava was born that I thought I was too good for this world? You be the judge.
Below are two lists I created. The first is a list of all the things that used to tick me off before I had my daughter, and then after, before we decided I quit and stay home to raise her. The second is a list of all the things that really get to me today. It’s not that I don't find the things on the first list annoying anymore, but they just don't get under my skin as much. I don't know. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. Maybe I'm getting old and, like my father, find mostly everything in life pisses me off. Maybe it’s just me.
Angry List – pre-Ava
1. Drivers who don't signal. Apparently the effort to push down on that tiny little stick coming out of your steering wheel is waaaay too hard.
2. Two tellers staffed out of a possible seven at the bank on a Friday afternoon (because it’s a long weekend and I need to beat the traffic up north and been in line for 30 minutes).
3. Men who don't hold open doors for anyone.
People on the same flight as me with a child under eight (especially a baby), and sat anywhere close to me.
4. Cover charge at bars. What, precisely, is that money going towards?
5. The price of Maple Leaf hockey tickets. 1967, people. 1967!
6. When someone is hogging any piece of equipment at the gym. And by “hogging” I mean just sitting there staring at the girls.
7. People who brag about the car they drive. You will get married, and you will drive a mini van.
8. People who just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You all know who you are.
9. The Gap. Need I say more?
Angry List – Today
1. The collective sigh from all the passengers when they see me board the plane with a one year old. I know what you're all thinking - "not near me, not near me" - and I secretly pray it’s by someone who rolls their eyes.
2. Anyone, man or woman, who don't hold a door open for a person with a child. My child and I will give you the stink eye.
3. Child cover charge at family restaurants. Just add the price into the food so it’s not as upsetting.
4. Two tellers available out of possibly seven at a bank on any given day. My child WILL let you (and everyone else) know it’s taking too long.
5. All drivers.
6. The price of whole milk. Is this a golden cow?
7. When people sign up for free babysitting at the Y and don't show up. I could have used that spot but instead you’re home still contemplating whether or not to work out.
8. People who brag about the stroller they have. It’s metal and nylon people.
9. People that STILL just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You STILL know who you are.
10. Pediatrician offices. My visits are ten minutes flat. What's the hold up?
11. Baby Gap. No need to say more.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
You are a stay at home what?
I'm almost four months into my new role and the fact that Ava has not had one cut (or is simply still here) must mean I'm doing something right. Ava is like my report that was due every Friday at work. I pour my heart and soul into it all week with no verbal recognition and the only way I know I'm still doing is a good job is that I'm allowed back into the building Monday morning.
So where do I get my recognition? Rephrase. Where is my “male” recognition? After four months its pretty easy for me to describe the typical response I get from “working men” when I tell them I'm I stay at home dad. When I say “working,” I mean men who generally go to a place of business every day. Yes, what I do is work, too, but my boss is a foot tall, cries when she doesn’t get her way and needs help cutting her food. Wait....my old boss was kinda like that, too, minus the foot tall part. Anyway, there are three types of categories I can put my fellow man into when I tell them my job. Below are these categories.
1. The "Really!?! Huh....." Group
Gender: Male
Age: 34-60+
Avg. Salary: $200K+++
Relationship to you: Your boss. Your boss’s boss. CEO. Grandfathers.
Other quotes from this group: “Never catch me doing that.” “Ahhh...like my wife?” “Good luck with that.” “How about a promotion and the corner office?” “Too bad, we saw good things for you here” (funny they never said that before).
This group mainly consists of egotistical males who feel money, power and respect is what makes a man. They are generally set in their old-fashioned ways, with some who still complain about women’s right to vote. They are for the most part the leaders you looked to for guidance when you had an office job. And who may take your decision to quit personally, and react emotionally.
2. The “Must be nice...” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 23-33
Avg. Salary: Unemployed-$110K
Relationship to you: Your male friends. Brother. Brother-in-law. Married colleagues making the same as you.
Other quotes from this group: “Good luck, Mr. Mom.” “Dude, who's gonna be my ride to work in the morning now?” “Call me when Oprah’s on.” “Call me when Dr. Phil is on.” “Take me with you and we can start a Daddy Day care.”
This group is mostly made up of your male friends. They think being a stay home dad is about hanging around the house all day, eating bon-bons and watching TV. They picture Peggy Bundy. It is also made up of colleagues who you thought were your good friends but were secretly lurking in the shadows for you to quit or mess up so they could pounce on that next promotion like a starving tiger. They will make funny little comments to look like they are the “good guy” but realistically, you will never talk to them again after your going away party. The same party they have been planning ever since your boss asked you to go for a beer alone.
3. The “What's that like?” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 30-65
Avg. Salary: $40K-millions
Relationship to you: None. They are your wife’s girlfriend’s partner. Or they are your wife’s male colleagues.
Other quotes from this group: “Ahhhh.” “Cool.” “I saw Mrs. Doubtfire.”
This group is pretty much just made of the males in your partner’s life that are too afraid to speak their mind. They respect your partner and are cautious of boundaries to not upset anyone (mainly your partner). They are “interested” to hear about what you do only when your partner is around and following each of your sentences with a simple nod and “nice.” But the moment your partner is gone the conversation quickly turns to sports.
So what male in my life is actually interested in what I do? Easy. Other stay at home dads. Below is their category.
The "Does your kid do this. Oh my god, what is that....?" Group.
Gender: All male all the time
Age: 27-45
Avg. salary: Zip. Zero. Nada. Hugs.
Relationship to you: The other SAHDs you meet once a week for a play date where you can order beer.
Other quotes from this group: “I used to be a.....” “Do you find your life to be more philosophical now.” “This diaper bag demeans us both.” “I wish I had boobs sometimes.”
So where do I get my recognition? Rephrase. Where is my “male” recognition? After four months its pretty easy for me to describe the typical response I get from “working men” when I tell them I'm I stay at home dad. When I say “working,” I mean men who generally go to a place of business every day. Yes, what I do is work, too, but my boss is a foot tall, cries when she doesn’t get her way and needs help cutting her food. Wait....my old boss was kinda like that, too, minus the foot tall part. Anyway, there are three types of categories I can put my fellow man into when I tell them my job. Below are these categories.
1. The "Really!?! Huh....." Group
Gender: Male
Age: 34-60+
Avg. Salary: $200K+++
Relationship to you: Your boss. Your boss’s boss. CEO. Grandfathers.
Other quotes from this group: “Never catch me doing that.” “Ahhh...like my wife?” “Good luck with that.” “How about a promotion and the corner office?” “Too bad, we saw good things for you here” (funny they never said that before).
This group mainly consists of egotistical males who feel money, power and respect is what makes a man. They are generally set in their old-fashioned ways, with some who still complain about women’s right to vote. They are for the most part the leaders you looked to for guidance when you had an office job. And who may take your decision to quit personally, and react emotionally.
2. The “Must be nice...” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 23-33
Avg. Salary: Unemployed-$110K
Relationship to you: Your male friends. Brother. Brother-in-law. Married colleagues making the same as you.
Other quotes from this group: “Good luck, Mr. Mom.” “Dude, who's gonna be my ride to work in the morning now?” “Call me when Oprah’s on.” “Call me when Dr. Phil is on.” “Take me with you and we can start a Daddy Day care.”
This group is mostly made up of your male friends. They think being a stay home dad is about hanging around the house all day, eating bon-bons and watching TV. They picture Peggy Bundy. It is also made up of colleagues who you thought were your good friends but were secretly lurking in the shadows for you to quit or mess up so they could pounce on that next promotion like a starving tiger. They will make funny little comments to look like they are the “good guy” but realistically, you will never talk to them again after your going away party. The same party they have been planning ever since your boss asked you to go for a beer alone.
3. The “What's that like?” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 30-65
Avg. Salary: $40K-millions
Relationship to you: None. They are your wife’s girlfriend’s partner. Or they are your wife’s male colleagues.
Other quotes from this group: “Ahhhh.” “Cool.” “I saw Mrs. Doubtfire.”
This group is pretty much just made of the males in your partner’s life that are too afraid to speak their mind. They respect your partner and are cautious of boundaries to not upset anyone (mainly your partner). They are “interested” to hear about what you do only when your partner is around and following each of your sentences with a simple nod and “nice.” But the moment your partner is gone the conversation quickly turns to sports.
So what male in my life is actually interested in what I do? Easy. Other stay at home dads. Below is their category.
The "Does your kid do this. Oh my god, what is that....?" Group.
Gender: All male all the time
Age: 27-45
Avg. salary: Zip. Zero. Nada. Hugs.
Relationship to you: The other SAHDs you meet once a week for a play date where you can order beer.
Other quotes from this group: “I used to be a.....” “Do you find your life to be more philosophical now.” “This diaper bag demeans us both.” “I wish I had boobs sometimes.”
Monday, November 2, 2009
My morning with Daddy
Ahhh crap! I think I overslept. It feels more like 7am, not 6am. Oh well, whatever, better just start letting daddy know I'm ready to start the day. Waaaaaaaaah. Waaaaahhhhh. Waaaaahhhh. Ugh. Sometimes daddy thinks I'm going to go back to bed but not today, old man. Get up, lazy. Waaaaahhhh. Here we go. I see a light in the hall. Yup, he's here. I hear his baby voice: "Good morning lady!" Good lord! I'm a year old, far from a lady. Crap, think I just pooped. Yeah, yeah, hi, daddy, nice to see you too. *Do cute eye rub and give spaced out look now, he loves that.* Yes, genius, I slept well. Pretty obvious no?!? I went down like 11 hours ago. Pick me up please, I need a diaper change. Easy on the diaper rash cream too, I found some on my knee last night. Okay, what are you going to use to distract me while you try to change my diaper? A block? Stuffed toy? A book? Good luck this...oooooh, your glasses. Gimme gimme gimme. You're taking forever, dude. Shouldn't have switched to cloth. Time's up, buddy, I'm turning over. Ha! How do you like that?!? My butt is in the air and you're struggling to put my onesie back on. Good luck getting me to turn back over! I can do.....ooooh, your hat! Gimme gimme gimme. Ugh. You win this one.
Straight to the kitchen please, I'm starving. You can use the bathroom later. What's for breakfast? Excuse me garcon, I would like to see a menu. Please not waffles. Please not waffles. Booooo, it's waffles du jour. Better call the dog in, I'm gonna be tossing some of these pieces on the floor. Hi, yes, I would like organic whole milk to start and your finest organic blueberry waffle lightly toasted. Thanks. Excuse me garcon, my milk is a little cold. Can you warm it up for me? My waffle is done. Finally! Oooh, a little syrup too. What's that? Don't tell mommy? I won't. Guess I can't anyway cause all I can say is dada and cat. This waffle is pretty good today. I will compliment the chef by bouncing in my high chair and stuffing my face. Um, garcon, would you mind removing this dog from your establishment? He's hovering around me. Thanks. Oh, and could you turn up the music? I can't hear Dave Matthews over my babbling. Ok. I'm done. Please bring me my check and some water. I have left your tip in my diaper. And please alert the valet that I will be requiring a lift from this highchair to the living room.
Aaaah. I'm stuffed. Wait. No. I'm hungry. Oh look, daddy's Blackberry. Why is there someone saying something to me from daddy's phone? It sounds familiar. Sounds like gramma. How did she know I had daddy's phone and why does she just keep saying hello? Yeesh, even I know more words than that. Whatever, I'll just keep pushing some buttons to let her know I'm here. I think she's gone. That was rude, she didn't even say goodbye. Okay, I'm done with my toy. What's over here? Hmmm, that's odd. There used to be a glass bowl on top of this table. Where is it? I usually tried reaching for it and daddy would always say "not for babies." Its so cute when he says that. And he says it often too! Wait, there it is. Ugh, how am I going to reach that all the way up there? Whatever. What's over h... Sorry, brief pause. I fell. Waaaah. Waaah. Waaaah. I love when I fall cause daddy always picks me up and makes funny noises. They sound like farts. Giggle, giggle, giggle. Okay, I'm good. What was I crying ab....ooooh what's over here? Wait. Excuse me, daddy? I used to be able to open this drawer all the way. Seems to be something preventing me from doing that now. Please assist. No, I would not like to play with my Leapfrog table. I would like to play with this drawer. Good, he's coming over. Wait, wait. Why you picking me up? Put me down. I would like to see what's in the dr....oooooh my Wheelybug! Good call, daddy. Could you prop me up into a stand position please? Thanks. And I'm off. Wheeeeeeeeee. Ugh. I'm stuck. Who put this wall here? It wasn't here yesterday. Hello?!? Need a little help. Hello?!? Waaah. Waaaaah. Waaaaah. No daddy, I'm not tired and cranky. I'm stuck in this corner. I do not need a nap, thank you very much. Yeeesh. You and the "naps." Go use the bathroom or something. I release you from your duties for two or three minutes. Wait. No. I didn't mean it. Come back. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Come back.....yay mommy is here to supervise before she goes to work. Look, mommy. I pulled all this stuff out of my toy box. I'm not using any of it but we can sit here and stare at it. Want to do a chant with me, mommy? Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. No, I'm saying dada not momma. I don't know that word yet. I love when I chant dada. Mommy always gives daddy this evil stare. Oooooh, what's this? The tv converter? Woohoooo. Let me just press all these buttons and....yay, now the tv is on. Ooooooh, the Today Show. I love the Today Show. Except I can never find Matt Lauer. What's that Al Roker? What's going on in my neck of the woods? Ummm, mostly clear with a 100 percent chance of poop. Oh, daddy is back. Guess mommy is going to work now. Pick me up daddy, I would like to say goodbye to mommy. Yes, yes, daddy, I know she's leaving. I'm saying goodbye. Look at my hand, it's in the air. Now kiss her and put me down, I see a drawer I was working on before.
Okay....apparently you don't want to put me down, but rather you request my assistance in pointing items out in the room. Let's make this snappy, that drawer is calling my name. Yes, that's the balloon there. That's the clock there. Yeesh, you're like 31, dude. Don't you remember? Yes, the pictures of me are there (I do look cute if I say so myself). The fan is up there. The table? What's that? Table? Ummmm....there? Oh, wait, that's you I'm pointing at. Table, table, let's see.....there? Yes! Sweet! Ha! Take that, Baby Einstein! Okay, I'm a little bored. Let's try some walking. Grab my hands and stand behind me please, daddy. For the love of Pete! I said behind me. Not in front. Waaah. Waaah. Waaaahh. Now get back there already. Okay, here we go. I'm walking. I'm walking. Check me out everybody. Now daddy stopped and is walking away. Not sure why, but maybe he's tired. It has been a busy morning for the poor guy. Wait. If he's walking away and I'm still standing....then what am I holding on to? That's it! I'm falling. Waaaaah. Waaaaah waaaah. Take that, daddy! Teach you to walk away. Waaah waahhhh....ooooh airplane ride. Wheeeeeeee. Attention passengers, this is your captain, Ava, speaking. If you look to the left you will see a bookshelf. If you look to your right you will see......my drawer I was trying to open!!! Please buckle up we are preparing to land. Waaaaahhhhh. Oooooh, you are a good distractor, Mr Bennett but please sit me down in front of my draw.....ABCDEFGHI....I love this song. LMNOP. La la la la la. Excuse me, Mr DJ? I would like to hear Old MacDonald Had a Farm and please make sure a rooster is there this time. I love that cockadoodle doo noise. Hmmm, daddy is funny sometimes. Maybe I should smile, clap and give him a couple more giggles to let him know he's alright. Done. EIEIEIOOOOO. Ahhhhh, good show daddy. Good show. Yawwwwwwwn. Crap. Did daddy see that? Crap, crap. I think he saw me yawn. Yup, here he comes. Ahhh well, its been a good three hour run. I'll get a little nap on and hope that he works on his pitch while I sleep. He was a little flat on that last song. He tidied my toys. Check. He restocked my wipes. Check. He changed my diaper. Check. Wait. Wait. You forgot something. A hug from me. Here you go, daddy. Love you. See you in an hour.
Straight to the kitchen please, I'm starving. You can use the bathroom later. What's for breakfast? Excuse me garcon, I would like to see a menu. Please not waffles. Please not waffles. Booooo, it's waffles du jour. Better call the dog in, I'm gonna be tossing some of these pieces on the floor. Hi, yes, I would like organic whole milk to start and your finest organic blueberry waffle lightly toasted. Thanks. Excuse me garcon, my milk is a little cold. Can you warm it up for me? My waffle is done. Finally! Oooh, a little syrup too. What's that? Don't tell mommy? I won't. Guess I can't anyway cause all I can say is dada and cat. This waffle is pretty good today. I will compliment the chef by bouncing in my high chair and stuffing my face. Um, garcon, would you mind removing this dog from your establishment? He's hovering around me. Thanks. Oh, and could you turn up the music? I can't hear Dave Matthews over my babbling. Ok. I'm done. Please bring me my check and some water. I have left your tip in my diaper. And please alert the valet that I will be requiring a lift from this highchair to the living room.
Aaaah. I'm stuffed. Wait. No. I'm hungry. Oh look, daddy's Blackberry. Why is there someone saying something to me from daddy's phone? It sounds familiar. Sounds like gramma. How did she know I had daddy's phone and why does she just keep saying hello? Yeesh, even I know more words than that. Whatever, I'll just keep pushing some buttons to let her know I'm here. I think she's gone. That was rude, she didn't even say goodbye. Okay, I'm done with my toy. What's over here? Hmmm, that's odd. There used to be a glass bowl on top of this table. Where is it? I usually tried reaching for it and daddy would always say "not for babies." Its so cute when he says that. And he says it often too! Wait, there it is. Ugh, how am I going to reach that all the way up there? Whatever. What's over h... Sorry, brief pause. I fell. Waaaah. Waaah. Waaaah. I love when I fall cause daddy always picks me up and makes funny noises. They sound like farts. Giggle, giggle, giggle. Okay, I'm good. What was I crying ab....ooooh what's over here? Wait. Excuse me, daddy? I used to be able to open this drawer all the way. Seems to be something preventing me from doing that now. Please assist. No, I would not like to play with my Leapfrog table. I would like to play with this drawer. Good, he's coming over. Wait, wait. Why you picking me up? Put me down. I would like to see what's in the dr....oooooh my Wheelybug! Good call, daddy. Could you prop me up into a stand position please? Thanks. And I'm off. Wheeeeeeeeee. Ugh. I'm stuck. Who put this wall here? It wasn't here yesterday. Hello?!? Need a little help. Hello?!? Waaah. Waaaaah. Waaaaah. No daddy, I'm not tired and cranky. I'm stuck in this corner. I do not need a nap, thank you very much. Yeeesh. You and the "naps." Go use the bathroom or something. I release you from your duties for two or three minutes. Wait. No. I didn't mean it. Come back. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Come back.....yay mommy is here to supervise before she goes to work. Look, mommy. I pulled all this stuff out of my toy box. I'm not using any of it but we can sit here and stare at it. Want to do a chant with me, mommy? Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. No, I'm saying dada not momma. I don't know that word yet. I love when I chant dada. Mommy always gives daddy this evil stare. Oooooh, what's this? The tv converter? Woohoooo. Let me just press all these buttons and....yay, now the tv is on. Ooooooh, the Today Show. I love the Today Show. Except I can never find Matt Lauer. What's that Al Roker? What's going on in my neck of the woods? Ummm, mostly clear with a 100 percent chance of poop. Oh, daddy is back. Guess mommy is going to work now. Pick me up daddy, I would like to say goodbye to mommy. Yes, yes, daddy, I know she's leaving. I'm saying goodbye. Look at my hand, it's in the air. Now kiss her and put me down, I see a drawer I was working on before.
Okay....apparently you don't want to put me down, but rather you request my assistance in pointing items out in the room. Let's make this snappy, that drawer is calling my name. Yes, that's the balloon there. That's the clock there. Yeesh, you're like 31, dude. Don't you remember? Yes, the pictures of me are there (I do look cute if I say so myself). The fan is up there. The table? What's that? Table? Ummmm....there? Oh, wait, that's you I'm pointing at. Table, table, let's see.....there? Yes! Sweet! Ha! Take that, Baby Einstein! Okay, I'm a little bored. Let's try some walking. Grab my hands and stand behind me please, daddy. For the love of Pete! I said behind me. Not in front. Waaah. Waaah. Waaaahh. Now get back there already. Okay, here we go. I'm walking. I'm walking. Check me out everybody. Now daddy stopped and is walking away. Not sure why, but maybe he's tired. It has been a busy morning for the poor guy. Wait. If he's walking away and I'm still standing....then what am I holding on to? That's it! I'm falling. Waaaaah. Waaaaah waaaah. Take that, daddy! Teach you to walk away. Waaah waahhhh....ooooh airplane ride. Wheeeeeeee. Attention passengers, this is your captain, Ava, speaking. If you look to the left you will see a bookshelf. If you look to your right you will see......my drawer I was trying to open!!! Please buckle up we are preparing to land. Waaaaahhhhh. Oooooh, you are a good distractor, Mr Bennett but please sit me down in front of my draw.....ABCDEFGHI....I love this song. LMNOP. La la la la la. Excuse me, Mr DJ? I would like to hear Old MacDonald Had a Farm and please make sure a rooster is there this time. I love that cockadoodle doo noise. Hmmm, daddy is funny sometimes. Maybe I should smile, clap and give him a couple more giggles to let him know he's alright. Done. EIEIEIOOOOO. Ahhhhh, good show daddy. Good show. Yawwwwwwwn. Crap. Did daddy see that? Crap, crap. I think he saw me yawn. Yup, here he comes. Ahhh well, its been a good three hour run. I'll get a little nap on and hope that he works on his pitch while I sleep. He was a little flat on that last song. He tidied my toys. Check. He restocked my wipes. Check. He changed my diaper. Check. Wait. Wait. You forgot something. A hug from me. Here you go, daddy. Love you. See you in an hour.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Ode to Ava
There are very few traditions I had as a child that I will carry on with my own family. However, one amusing one that I will most likely keep going is The Year In Review Poem. Every December my father would write a witty poem based on events that each of us experienced over the last year. And on Christmas night he would read what he wrote for my mother, sister and I.
You must understand, these aren't one page quick hits. At times, each of ours could be twenty pages long and by the time he was done, three hours had gone by. On October 10th was Ava's first birthday and I decided to create one for my little monster. Below is what took me about three weeks to piece together. Enjoy.
***Spoiler Alert - there are embarrassing moments about my wife and a lot of talk about poo. Now enjoy.
Well it's October 10th 2009
A date mom and I will remember
Cause it's Ava's first birthday
Should have been the 28th of September
You will have no idea
What daddy is saying today
But hopefully you'll read this back
And laugh and cry one day
Your little journey began in 2007
Mommy and daddy were drunk as clowns
Decided it was time for a baby
Over appies at a bar uptown
We tried and tried for months
Every pregnancy test we would flunk
Mommy didn't understand why
So daddy got a doctor to look at his junk
We took a little baby making break
A little less sex for a month or so
But after gallons of pina coladas
Your life began in Mexico
Yes, mommy got pregnant on vacation
A little fetus was on the rise
But after all the booze and smokes that week
Daddy was worried you'd have three eyes
As soon as we found out
We were having a little lady or man
Mommy found a great little doctor
By the name of Dr. Kaplan
We would go to his office on the UES
There he would see mommy and me
I'd play with his cats in the waiting room
Because mommy always had to pee
We went for our first sonogram
They put a wand on mommy as she lay on the bed
She was so happy to see you inside her
I couldn't tell what was a finger or a head
Months and months passed
It was becoming more real
Mommy was getting bigger
And couldn't fit into her heels
We would take the 6 train to work
Hard candy and barf bag in hand
You'd make mommy a little gassy
But a seat she would always land
You were due in September
So mommy left work then
Daddy was so happy for this
'Cause dinner was always ready when he walked in
Muffins, biscuits, lasagnas and pies
Mommy would cook the day away
But it was already the first of October
Still in mommy you would stay
Dr K said it was time to come out
Although against your will
We hailed a hybrid taxi
And drove to Lenox Hill
Mommy got propped up in her bed
Wore a gown, her butt did show
Daddy got the iTunes mix ready
And we fell asleep to The Office tv show
It was Thursday morning now
Mommy could feel you coming
She was in quite a bit of pain
But BNL we were humming
As the day carried on
Mommy tried to push you out
You thought it was funnier to stay inside
We wondered when Ava would come about
Around six o’clock that day
A magical man would appear
He had a great big needle for mommy
That made her pain disappear
Mommy was feeling good
Laughing and flying high
She was craving food like a stoner
Burgers, nachos, no, wait, Popeyes
It was now 10pm on Thursday
Still no Ava to be seen
Quietly we fell asleep
But awoke to a scene
You needed to come out now
A c-Section to prevent any harm
They wheeled mommy to the OR
And soon you'd be in our arms
That magical man reappeared
He had more drugs for mommy
Daddy wondered if he had more
Maybe to help flatten his tummy
Then the moment came
You shot out like a flare
And the nurse’s first words were
Wow, look at all that hair!
We still didn't know your gender
Was it a boy or a girl?
All we knew about you was
You had enough hair to curl
But, it was a beautiful little girl
Ava Josephine would be your name
Today we call you terrorist, monster and lady
Somehow they all work the same
You'd spend a few more days at Lenox Hill
And gifts we would keep on receiving
You would also celebrate there
Your first Canadian Thanksgiving
Soon it was time to go home
The animals were waiting to meet you
Between you, Olivia and Fergus
Daddy picked up so much poo
Grandma Jabeen came to visit
She would stay a week or two
Daddy spent a lot of time on the can
Because of all the Indian food
Lots of guests came to visit
Mommy showed most her boobs
I was still on the can
'Cause of all the leftover Indian food
Uncle Yas came to visit
With gifts he did bear
We'd laugh when he'd hold you
'Cause you both have the same amount of hair
These were all great moments
But we did have a few ripples
Often it was very hard
To remove you from mommy’s nipples
You'd suck and suck and suck
And you'd find sleeping was a sin
But when you were full from milk
You'd pull off mommy’s boob with a grin
And we all remember your first book
I think we all know how the story goes
We'd read it over and over to you
'Cause you also have ten little fingers and ten little toes
Time was flying by
Months went on and on
Soon it would be time
For you to meet Dr. Similon
Your first visit was pleasant
He showed you no mercy
You got three needles that day
And drooped the biggest deuce in Jersey
You loved your first bath
Being scrubbed down, you didn’t care
But til this very day
You hate drying your hair
You scream with all your might
And run straight for the door
As soon as that towel touches your head
You pound those tiny fists on the floor
We've been lucky thus far
No poopsplosions while in the tub
But boy do you let them rip
After eating some of your grub
You fart like it's no thing
You don't care who's in the room
I don't know what you eat sometimes
That make them smell like the pit of Mount Doom
Mommy had time off from work
She'd be at home with you for awhile
You'd drive her a little batty sometimes
Napping was cramping your style
Daddy would get updates at work
"Terrorist only napped twenty minutes all day!
This baby is all yours when you get home!"
Is what a few updates would say
Soon you were eating solids
Purees and cereal to boot
You'd make a mess of your face
And increased the smell of your poop
You loved to rock in your swing
Play and eat on your mat
You enjoy throwing things
But were getting kind of fat
You were going through your onesies
Like daddy goes through sweet potato pie
You'd eat anything thrown at you
Sometimes we thought you were high
Soon came the best toy of all
A neat little gift for you
You'd play around for hours
In your bouncy Jumperoo
Oh the smiles it put on your face
The jumping you would you do!
It would sometimes make you sleepy
And accelerate your lovely poo
It was time for mommy to go back to work
S&C required her brain
So began your adventures at Bright Horizons
And your meltdowns on the 6 train
We'd strap you into the carrier
All was well til we got to the platform floor
But the horrid screams would begin
After hearing "Stand clear of the closing doors!"
People all across New York
Would say isn't she so cute
You'd grin and bat your lashes
Then scream and drop a toot
You were adored at Bright Horizons
The girls loved you a lot
You flirted with little Sebastian
But your digits he never got
You wave all the time
You're always saying hi
Doesn't matter who to
Me or any homeless guy
Five o'clock would come
Mommy would strap you in
Back on the 6 train you’d go
Let the crying begin
You were growing up so fast
Clapping followed by a giggle
It was definitely that mirror toy
Where you learned how to move and wiggle
One thing you did for a while
Like it was some big joke
Was clench your hands and shake your head
Like you were having a stroke
You'd scare some people on the subway
When you'd start to clench those fists
It was like you became possessed
Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist
You love listening to music
You dance and have a ball
Mommy gives me the evil eye though
When you bounce to Biggie Smalls
Shake, shake, shake senora
You shook it all the time
You dance to Ants Marching
And Snoop Dogg sometimes
You celebrated Christmas
New Years, Valentine's, St Patty's too
We laughed hard on Easter
While putting stickers on you.
We have lots of pictures of you
Grumpy ones or in the stroller as you slouch
But we have way too many
Of you and me on the couch
Maybe we both like napping
It's the favorite thing mommy and I do
She also gives me that stressed look
When she's about to take a poo
Soon you began to crawl
And wiggle around like a fish
You had the whole apartment to explore
But always went to the dog dish
You chase the cat with delight
Grab her tail without a care
Lucky for you though
She's too fat to go anywhere
We decided it was time to move
Not enough space at our home
Apparently $3200 a month
Is not good enough for you to roam
To Brooklyn we would go
So much space, you got your wish
We have two floors for you to wander
But still you just want the dog dish
There was something more concerning
Something worse than getting you into bed
Seems that we had a crazy situation
With all that hair on your head
You looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot
Your hairstyle was wacky
Time to go to Lulu's
It was just too tacky!
However we were not prepared
For the shock to come upon us
After your hair was neatly cut
You'd look like Lloyd Christmas
Everyone keeps calling you a boy
Mommy and I politely say it's a she
One more person says it though
We're gonna ram your stroller in their knees
You love going to the swings
All that traveling can be tiring
But it's all worth it when you hop in
And you laugh like a car backfiring
You go up and down 5th Ave
With daddy to the Y
You shake it to Boom Boom Pow
And to everyone you wave hi
You are daddy's little girl
You have my face and grin
But what really sealed the deal
Was your new found love of bacon
It appears changing your diapers
Is no longer easy to do
You wiggle and squirm away
Can't wait for the potty to meet you
Mommy needs to hold you down
Changing diapers you don't find fair
Sometimes you're able to break free
And run away with your butt in the air
You stay home with daddy all day
We laugh, play and explore
I feed you lots of good things
That you throw to Fergus on the floor
We have lots of fun
Everyday we learn something new
But sometimes you scream so loud
Like the devil is inside of you
You are the best thing
That ever happen to mommy and I
You’re a beautiful little girl
And we'll love you till we die
You warm our hearts right up
You make our days so bright
Nothing makes us happier
Than holding you so tight
I've probably missed a few things
Been quite an adventurous year for you
Can't wait to see our little lady grow
Can't wait to see your ever changing poo
So Happy Birthday Ava
I spoke a lot today about poo
Can't wait for this time next year
When you enter your terrible twos
You must understand, these aren't one page quick hits. At times, each of ours could be twenty pages long and by the time he was done, three hours had gone by. On October 10th was Ava's first birthday and I decided to create one for my little monster. Below is what took me about three weeks to piece together. Enjoy.
***Spoiler Alert - there are embarrassing moments about my wife and a lot of talk about poo. Now enjoy.
Well it's October 10th 2009
A date mom and I will remember
Cause it's Ava's first birthday
Should have been the 28th of September
You will have no idea
What daddy is saying today
But hopefully you'll read this back
And laugh and cry one day
Your little journey began in 2007
Mommy and daddy were drunk as clowns
Decided it was time for a baby
Over appies at a bar uptown
We tried and tried for months
Every pregnancy test we would flunk
Mommy didn't understand why
So daddy got a doctor to look at his junk
We took a little baby making break
A little less sex for a month or so
But after gallons of pina coladas
Your life began in Mexico
Yes, mommy got pregnant on vacation
A little fetus was on the rise
But after all the booze and smokes that week
Daddy was worried you'd have three eyes
As soon as we found out
We were having a little lady or man
Mommy found a great little doctor
By the name of Dr. Kaplan
We would go to his office on the UES
There he would see mommy and me
I'd play with his cats in the waiting room
Because mommy always had to pee
We went for our first sonogram
They put a wand on mommy as she lay on the bed
She was so happy to see you inside her
I couldn't tell what was a finger or a head
Months and months passed
It was becoming more real
Mommy was getting bigger
And couldn't fit into her heels
We would take the 6 train to work
Hard candy and barf bag in hand
You'd make mommy a little gassy
But a seat she would always land
You were due in September
So mommy left work then
Daddy was so happy for this
'Cause dinner was always ready when he walked in
Muffins, biscuits, lasagnas and pies
Mommy would cook the day away
But it was already the first of October
Still in mommy you would stay
Dr K said it was time to come out
Although against your will
We hailed a hybrid taxi
And drove to Lenox Hill
Mommy got propped up in her bed
Wore a gown, her butt did show
Daddy got the iTunes mix ready
And we fell asleep to The Office tv show
It was Thursday morning now
Mommy could feel you coming
She was in quite a bit of pain
But BNL we were humming
As the day carried on
Mommy tried to push you out
You thought it was funnier to stay inside
We wondered when Ava would come about
Around six o’clock that day
A magical man would appear
He had a great big needle for mommy
That made her pain disappear
Mommy was feeling good
Laughing and flying high
She was craving food like a stoner
Burgers, nachos, no, wait, Popeyes
It was now 10pm on Thursday
Still no Ava to be seen
Quietly we fell asleep
But awoke to a scene
You needed to come out now
A c-Section to prevent any harm
They wheeled mommy to the OR
And soon you'd be in our arms
That magical man reappeared
He had more drugs for mommy
Daddy wondered if he had more
Maybe to help flatten his tummy
Then the moment came
You shot out like a flare
And the nurse’s first words were
Wow, look at all that hair!
We still didn't know your gender
Was it a boy or a girl?
All we knew about you was
You had enough hair to curl
But, it was a beautiful little girl
Ava Josephine would be your name
Today we call you terrorist, monster and lady
Somehow they all work the same
You'd spend a few more days at Lenox Hill
And gifts we would keep on receiving
You would also celebrate there
Your first Canadian Thanksgiving
Soon it was time to go home
The animals were waiting to meet you
Between you, Olivia and Fergus
Daddy picked up so much poo
Grandma Jabeen came to visit
She would stay a week or two
Daddy spent a lot of time on the can
Because of all the Indian food
Lots of guests came to visit
Mommy showed most her boobs
I was still on the can
'Cause of all the leftover Indian food
Uncle Yas came to visit
With gifts he did bear
We'd laugh when he'd hold you
'Cause you both have the same amount of hair
These were all great moments
But we did have a few ripples
Often it was very hard
To remove you from mommy’s nipples
You'd suck and suck and suck
And you'd find sleeping was a sin
But when you were full from milk
You'd pull off mommy’s boob with a grin
And we all remember your first book
I think we all know how the story goes
We'd read it over and over to you
'Cause you also have ten little fingers and ten little toes
Time was flying by
Months went on and on
Soon it would be time
For you to meet Dr. Similon
Your first visit was pleasant
He showed you no mercy
You got three needles that day
And drooped the biggest deuce in Jersey
You loved your first bath
Being scrubbed down, you didn’t care
But til this very day
You hate drying your hair
You scream with all your might
And run straight for the door
As soon as that towel touches your head
You pound those tiny fists on the floor
We've been lucky thus far
No poopsplosions while in the tub
But boy do you let them rip
After eating some of your grub
You fart like it's no thing
You don't care who's in the room
I don't know what you eat sometimes
That make them smell like the pit of Mount Doom
Mommy had time off from work
She'd be at home with you for awhile
You'd drive her a little batty sometimes
Napping was cramping your style
Daddy would get updates at work
"Terrorist only napped twenty minutes all day!
This baby is all yours when you get home!"
Is what a few updates would say
Soon you were eating solids
Purees and cereal to boot
You'd make a mess of your face
And increased the smell of your poop
You loved to rock in your swing
Play and eat on your mat
You enjoy throwing things
But were getting kind of fat
You were going through your onesies
Like daddy goes through sweet potato pie
You'd eat anything thrown at you
Sometimes we thought you were high
Soon came the best toy of all
A neat little gift for you
You'd play around for hours
In your bouncy Jumperoo
Oh the smiles it put on your face
The jumping you would you do!
It would sometimes make you sleepy
And accelerate your lovely poo
It was time for mommy to go back to work
S&C required her brain
So began your adventures at Bright Horizons
And your meltdowns on the 6 train
We'd strap you into the carrier
All was well til we got to the platform floor
But the horrid screams would begin
After hearing "Stand clear of the closing doors!"
People all across New York
Would say isn't she so cute
You'd grin and bat your lashes
Then scream and drop a toot
You were adored at Bright Horizons
The girls loved you a lot
You flirted with little Sebastian
But your digits he never got
You wave all the time
You're always saying hi
Doesn't matter who to
Me or any homeless guy
Five o'clock would come
Mommy would strap you in
Back on the 6 train you’d go
Let the crying begin
You were growing up so fast
Clapping followed by a giggle
It was definitely that mirror toy
Where you learned how to move and wiggle
One thing you did for a while
Like it was some big joke
Was clench your hands and shake your head
Like you were having a stroke
You'd scare some people on the subway
When you'd start to clench those fists
It was like you became possessed
Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist
You love listening to music
You dance and have a ball
Mommy gives me the evil eye though
When you bounce to Biggie Smalls
Shake, shake, shake senora
You shook it all the time
You dance to Ants Marching
And Snoop Dogg sometimes
You celebrated Christmas
New Years, Valentine's, St Patty's too
We laughed hard on Easter
While putting stickers on you.
We have lots of pictures of you
Grumpy ones or in the stroller as you slouch
But we have way too many
Of you and me on the couch
Maybe we both like napping
It's the favorite thing mommy and I do
She also gives me that stressed look
When she's about to take a poo
Soon you began to crawl
And wiggle around like a fish
You had the whole apartment to explore
But always went to the dog dish
You chase the cat with delight
Grab her tail without a care
Lucky for you though
She's too fat to go anywhere
We decided it was time to move
Not enough space at our home
Apparently $3200 a month
Is not good enough for you to roam
To Brooklyn we would go
So much space, you got your wish
We have two floors for you to wander
But still you just want the dog dish
There was something more concerning
Something worse than getting you into bed
Seems that we had a crazy situation
With all that hair on your head
You looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot
Your hairstyle was wacky
Time to go to Lulu's
It was just too tacky!
However we were not prepared
For the shock to come upon us
After your hair was neatly cut
You'd look like Lloyd Christmas
Everyone keeps calling you a boy
Mommy and I politely say it's a she
One more person says it though
We're gonna ram your stroller in their knees
You love going to the swings
All that traveling can be tiring
But it's all worth it when you hop in
And you laugh like a car backfiring
You go up and down 5th Ave
With daddy to the Y
You shake it to Boom Boom Pow
And to everyone you wave hi
You are daddy's little girl
You have my face and grin
But what really sealed the deal
Was your new found love of bacon
It appears changing your diapers
Is no longer easy to do
You wiggle and squirm away
Can't wait for the potty to meet you
Mommy needs to hold you down
Changing diapers you don't find fair
Sometimes you're able to break free
And run away with your butt in the air
You stay home with daddy all day
We laugh, play and explore
I feed you lots of good things
That you throw to Fergus on the floor
We have lots of fun
Everyday we learn something new
But sometimes you scream so loud
Like the devil is inside of you
You are the best thing
That ever happen to mommy and I
You’re a beautiful little girl
And we'll love you till we die
You warm our hearts right up
You make our days so bright
Nothing makes us happier
Than holding you so tight
I've probably missed a few things
Been quite an adventurous year for you
Can't wait to see our little lady grow
Can't wait to see your ever changing poo
So Happy Birthday Ava
I spoke a lot today about poo
Can't wait for this time next year
When you enter your terrible twos
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My Profile
Since becoming a SAHD, I find myself joining a lot of different online parenting resource sites – groups, blogs, diapers.com, etc… The one thing they all have in common? Filling out a profile. I find myself skipping this step except for the “required field marked with an asterisk.” The reason is not because I’m lazy…but I believe setting up online profile is like writing your own eulogy – you share all the signature details that made you who you are in life that usually only your family or close friends would laugh, cry or be upset at. And it’s only as good until my membership (or life) expires. But how can I answer all these questions as if today was the first time I've ever been asked? My life has changed drastically in the past 10 years alone. Well, let's start there.
I picked the most popular questions from each site I've joined over the last three months. I'm going to answer each as I would have during three important stages in my life over the past ten years. First, as if it was 1999, the year before I met the love of my life – my wife. Second, as if it was 2005, the year my wife and I were married. And lastly, present day. Exactly how I am today - a SAHD to a one year old girl and another baby on the way in 2010.
The point of this experiment is not to come off all “dudish” or immature. It’s not meant to appear as if I long for those days of high school or college (like the producers of Gossip Girl). If anything, at the very least, it proved how my humor has gone from early Eddie Murphy or Andrew Dice Clay to Ray Romano or Tim Allen today. Sad? You be the judge.
1999 - before meeting my wife
Login info
Email address: kegman69@somemail.com
Username: sexyouupplaya
Photo: insert picture of me doing a keg stand with or possibly without pants on here
Personal info
Sex: All the time baby cause I'm living la vida loca.
City: Toronto
State/Province: Ontario
Country: Canada eh!
Work info
Industry: Full time student. Part time lover
Occupation: TBD but currently Frosh Master
Additional Info
Interests: Surfing the interwebs. Googling myself (hehe). Keggers. Working out.
About me
Y2K doesn't scare me. I already withdrew all my money and am keeping it in my POG collector can until 2001. I enjoy weekends at the cottage with my boys - fishin n’ drinkin. I’m gonna party like its 1999 and that is my final answer cause I’m a playa.
Favorite Movie: Fight Club, Scarface, Goodfellas
Favorite Books: Do magazines count? If so Maxim, Stuff, Men’s Health
Favorite Food: Pizza, Big Macs or whatever is open at 3am on Friday or Saturday nights.
Five things I can't live without: Beer, Maple Leaf Hockey, Mambo # 5 Cd in my Saturn Coupe, women and a six pack....of beer. Burn!!!
2005 - the year my wife and I got married
Login info
Email address: joshuajweiner@hotmail.com
Username: joshuajweiner
Photo: insert wedding picture here
Personal info
Sex: Male
City. Toronto
State/Province: Ontario
Country: Canada.
Work info
Industry: Consumer Packaged Goods
Occupation: Key Account Manager for Pepsi Canada
Additional Info
Interests: Furniture shopping. American Idol (go Taylor Hicks). Sports. Condo shopping. Relaxing at home with my lady watching trashy TV.
About me
I’m a closet Maroon 5 fan. I do not know what a Hollaback Girl is. I’m pretty sure Brad and Angelina are dating and am very happy Letterman and Oprah finally made up. I spend most of my weekends chilling around the apartment or at Bed Bath and Beyond with my fiancé.
Favorite Movie: Crash, Brokeback Mountain, March of the Penguins
Favorite Books: Do books made into movies count? If so, then Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Memoirs of a Geisha and Batman Begins (comic books count).
Favorite Food: Whatever my wife prepares because she is an amazing cook. If she’s not home then cereal.
Five things I can't live without: my wife, Alexander Keith’s Beer, Maple Leaf Hockey, my RAV 4, a cell phone and a finger in my Wendy’s chili. Burn!!!
Present Day
Login info
Email address: joshua.j.bennett@hotmail.com
Username: joshuajbennett
Photo: insert picture of me, my wife and my little girl Ava here.
Personal info
Sex: On my Birthday
City. Brooklyn
State/Province: NY
Country: USA.
Work info
Industry: Parenting
Occupation: Stay at home dad
Additional Info
Interests: Playing with Ava all day. Preparing myself for the next thing that is potentially harmful for my kids (toys, food, H1N1, accessories, etc.). Silently judging parents who put pacifiers back in their child’s mouth after it fell on the subway floor.
About me
I am a diaper changing master. I can push a stroller, pull a grocery cart, talk on a cell phone and kick a nerf ball all at once. I’m learning exciting new things to cook like roasted vegetables and pasta.
Favorite Movie: I haven't seen one since Borat. "Very nice!" Do people still say that, because Ava LOVES it.
Favorite Books: Goodnight Moon, Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes, But Not the Hippopotamus
Favorite Food: whatever Ava doesn’t finish that I can shove in my mouth before she starts screaming. So usually, yogurt, peas, and plums.
Five things I can't live without: my wife, my kid, a diaper bag, a stroller and peace of mind. Snap!!!
I picked the most popular questions from each site I've joined over the last three months. I'm going to answer each as I would have during three important stages in my life over the past ten years. First, as if it was 1999, the year before I met the love of my life – my wife. Second, as if it was 2005, the year my wife and I were married. And lastly, present day. Exactly how I am today - a SAHD to a one year old girl and another baby on the way in 2010.
The point of this experiment is not to come off all “dudish” or immature. It’s not meant to appear as if I long for those days of high school or college (like the producers of Gossip Girl). If anything, at the very least, it proved how my humor has gone from early Eddie Murphy or Andrew Dice Clay to Ray Romano or Tim Allen today. Sad? You be the judge.
1999 - before meeting my wife
Login info
Email address: kegman69@somemail.com
Username: sexyouupplaya
Photo: insert picture of me doing a keg stand with or possibly without pants on here
Personal info
Sex: All the time baby cause I'm living la vida loca.
City: Toronto
State/Province: Ontario
Country: Canada eh!
Work info
Industry: Full time student. Part time lover
Occupation: TBD but currently Frosh Master
Additional Info
Interests: Surfing the interwebs. Googling myself (hehe). Keggers. Working out.
About me
Y2K doesn't scare me. I already withdrew all my money and am keeping it in my POG collector can until 2001. I enjoy weekends at the cottage with my boys - fishin n’ drinkin. I’m gonna party like its 1999 and that is my final answer cause I’m a playa.
Favorite Movie: Fight Club, Scarface, Goodfellas
Favorite Books: Do magazines count? If so Maxim, Stuff, Men’s Health
Favorite Food: Pizza, Big Macs or whatever is open at 3am on Friday or Saturday nights.
Five things I can't live without: Beer, Maple Leaf Hockey, Mambo # 5 Cd in my Saturn Coupe, women and a six pack....of beer. Burn!!!
2005 - the year my wife and I got married
Login info
Email address: joshuajweiner@hotmail.com
Username: joshuajweiner
Photo: insert wedding picture here
Personal info
Sex: Male
City. Toronto
State/Province: Ontario
Country: Canada.
Work info
Industry: Consumer Packaged Goods
Occupation: Key Account Manager for Pepsi Canada
Additional Info
Interests: Furniture shopping. American Idol (go Taylor Hicks). Sports. Condo shopping. Relaxing at home with my lady watching trashy TV.
About me
I’m a closet Maroon 5 fan. I do not know what a Hollaback Girl is. I’m pretty sure Brad and Angelina are dating and am very happy Letterman and Oprah finally made up. I spend most of my weekends chilling around the apartment or at Bed Bath and Beyond with my fiancé.
Favorite Movie: Crash, Brokeback Mountain, March of the Penguins
Favorite Books: Do books made into movies count? If so, then Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Memoirs of a Geisha and Batman Begins (comic books count).
Favorite Food: Whatever my wife prepares because she is an amazing cook. If she’s not home then cereal.
Five things I can't live without: my wife, Alexander Keith’s Beer, Maple Leaf Hockey, my RAV 4, a cell phone and a finger in my Wendy’s chili. Burn!!!
Present Day
Login info
Email address: joshua.j.bennett@hotmail.com
Username: joshuajbennett
Photo: insert picture of me, my wife and my little girl Ava here.
Personal info
Sex: On my Birthday
City. Brooklyn
State/Province: NY
Country: USA.
Work info
Industry: Parenting
Occupation: Stay at home dad
Additional Info
Interests: Playing with Ava all day. Preparing myself for the next thing that is potentially harmful for my kids (toys, food, H1N1, accessories, etc.). Silently judging parents who put pacifiers back in their child’s mouth after it fell on the subway floor.
About me
I am a diaper changing master. I can push a stroller, pull a grocery cart, talk on a cell phone and kick a nerf ball all at once. I’m learning exciting new things to cook like roasted vegetables and pasta.
Favorite Movie: I haven't seen one since Borat. "Very nice!" Do people still say that, because Ava LOVES it.
Favorite Books: Goodnight Moon, Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes, But Not the Hippopotamus
Favorite Food: whatever Ava doesn’t finish that I can shove in my mouth before she starts screaming. So usually, yogurt, peas, and plums.
Five things I can't live without: my wife, my kid, a diaper bag, a stroller and peace of mind. Snap!!!
Friday, October 23, 2009
My day is not so different from yours...
So I'm reflecting on the days of when we were childless and my typical workday routine back then. I may no longer be an "employee," but I bet I can find similarities between how I operate throughout the day as a SAHD versus someone who goes to an actual place of business.
Starting with our mornings. Like you, I wake up to an alarm. Yours may play the soothing sounds of Dave Matthews, Coldplay or Snoop Dogg. My alarm is a tiny video monitor. I wake to the pterodactyl-like sounds of Ava screaming and staring right into the camera willing someone to release her from her crib-prison. You have a snooze button that may wake you again in five or ten minutes. I have a video "on" button that shows me if Ava is laying back down, in which case I, too, may have five, ten or even 60 more minutes.
You wake and greet the day, roll out of bed and go to the bathroom. I wake and greet the day, but don't have time for the bathroom - my boss is already at work and I must punch in. You and I head to the kitchen. You walk in with the morning paper in hand. I walk in with a 20lb child in hand. We both grab our bowls of cereal and head to the table. You read the morning headlines or grab your Blackberry to check e-mails. I read Sandra Boynton and give my Blackberry to Ava so I can get three minutes to go to the bathroom.
You go to the living or bedroom, start getting ready and flip on the TV to see the morning traffic. Nothing like getting stuck in NYC traffic. I go to the living room or bedroom and flip on the TV to channel 622 for Toddler Tunes and make sure my diapers are ready. Nothing like getting stuck at the change table with no diapers close by.
It's time to leave. You may kiss your significant other goodbye, grab your laptop bag and head to your wheels to go to work. I kiss my significant other goodbye, grab my diaper bag and head out to my wheels (Uppababy stroller) and proceed to the park. This time may be very scary for you and I. We fear almost reaching our destination and realizing we forgot something really important. Yours could be some files or your laptop. Mine is Pampers baby wipes or my child.
Here we both are now at work. You're at some tall building with many floors. I'm at the park. You pray you have your badge, check in with security and proceed through the turnstile. I get to a big metal fence and pray it's unlocked so I haven't just tormented my child with just a visual of the swings. You head to your desk, nod and say hello to some people whose names you don't recall. I head to the jungle gym, nod and say hello to other parents whose names I don't even know. But I do know their children's names.
Between 10 am and noon is crucial for both of us. This is generally the hours where our boss is most grumpy. Yours is cranky because they were on a conference call until 1 am this morning. My boss is cranky because she's been up for four hours and now needs her morning nap. You tiptoe around the office and avoid your boss's open door and try to go covert ops until after lunch. I tiptoe around the house and avoid passing my boss's door because human shadows are a sure bet to wake her up. But these few hours can be productive for you and I. You e-mail or call back your clients, check in on how they are doing or apologize for not responding sooner. I e-mail or call back and apologize to all the random people in my contact list who Ava may have crank called while she had my Blackberry so I could go to the bathroom.
It's afternoon and lunchtime! You head out to go get an hour in at the gym. You grab your Blackberry and gym bag. I also head out to the gym. I grab Ava's lunch bag, diaper bag, stroller, favourite toys, her sippy for the ride, my Blackberry and finally my gym bag. We get there and you get angry at the single lane lineup to get through the door because of all the parents not courteous enough to fold their stroller at the entrance. I get there too. I cruise right in because I am that parent who has not been courteous enough to fold their stroller at the door. You jump on the bike and hope you don't get a phone call from your boss who needs you back at the office right away. I jump on the bike and hope I don't get a call from daycare downstairs cause my boss just needs me.
Its now 3 pm. You're still full from the tuna roll and salad you picked up on the way home from the gym. I'm full too. I picked mine up off the kitchen floor, as this is Ava's way of telling me she is done. I believe I had toast, cheese, peas and what may have been raisins. There are only three hours left in the workday and neither of us have really gotten any heat from our boss. Then out of nowhere, we hear a big crash. For you it's the door of your boss's corner office. She or he is standing there, arms waving and yelling across the office wondering why the report they asked for three hours ago is not on their desk. For me, it's the corner bedroom door of Ava's room. She is sitting there, arms waving and yelling across the house wondering why she has not eaten in the last eight minutes.
Ahhh, and here we are, it's six o'clock. Time to wrap up. You will make a call or two to confirm an appointment with a client or colleague for tomorrow. I will make a call or two to confirm an appointment with the pediatrician or play date for tomorrow. You will tidy up around your desk and put files away. I will tidy up around the living room and put toys away. You will shut off your lights, computer and close the door. I will shut off the lights, turn all toy computers off and close the door. We will both leave our work areas and think the same thing..."crap, did I phone my significant other back?"
Today has been an important day for the two of us. For today marks the last day of our three month probationary period. You can leave work knowing that in some way, although maybe not spoken or written, the company values you enough to keep you on and see what you will bring to the table. I can leave work (aka Ava's room) knowing, that although she can't speak or write, her smile is enough to tell me how much she values my efforts and looks forward to seeing what I bring to her highchair.
So that's it. I am not a hedge fund manager, a salesperson or general manager. I am a stay at home dad. Maybe not the same job responsibilities but close enough to the same routine I feel. You get paid in cash. I get paid in leftover baby food. Either way we all go to bed at night and do it all over again the next day.
Starting with our mornings. Like you, I wake up to an alarm. Yours may play the soothing sounds of Dave Matthews, Coldplay or Snoop Dogg. My alarm is a tiny video monitor. I wake to the pterodactyl-like sounds of Ava screaming and staring right into the camera willing someone to release her from her crib-prison. You have a snooze button that may wake you again in five or ten minutes. I have a video "on" button that shows me if Ava is laying back down, in which case I, too, may have five, ten or even 60 more minutes.
You wake and greet the day, roll out of bed and go to the bathroom. I wake and greet the day, but don't have time for the bathroom - my boss is already at work and I must punch in. You and I head to the kitchen. You walk in with the morning paper in hand. I walk in with a 20lb child in hand. We both grab our bowls of cereal and head to the table. You read the morning headlines or grab your Blackberry to check e-mails. I read Sandra Boynton and give my Blackberry to Ava so I can get three minutes to go to the bathroom.
You go to the living or bedroom, start getting ready and flip on the TV to see the morning traffic. Nothing like getting stuck in NYC traffic. I go to the living room or bedroom and flip on the TV to channel 622 for Toddler Tunes and make sure my diapers are ready. Nothing like getting stuck at the change table with no diapers close by.
It's time to leave. You may kiss your significant other goodbye, grab your laptop bag and head to your wheels to go to work. I kiss my significant other goodbye, grab my diaper bag and head out to my wheels (Uppababy stroller) and proceed to the park. This time may be very scary for you and I. We fear almost reaching our destination and realizing we forgot something really important. Yours could be some files or your laptop. Mine is Pampers baby wipes or my child.
Here we both are now at work. You're at some tall building with many floors. I'm at the park. You pray you have your badge, check in with security and proceed through the turnstile. I get to a big metal fence and pray it's unlocked so I haven't just tormented my child with just a visual of the swings. You head to your desk, nod and say hello to some people whose names you don't recall. I head to the jungle gym, nod and say hello to other parents whose names I don't even know. But I do know their children's names.
Between 10 am and noon is crucial for both of us. This is generally the hours where our boss is most grumpy. Yours is cranky because they were on a conference call until 1 am this morning. My boss is cranky because she's been up for four hours and now needs her morning nap. You tiptoe around the office and avoid your boss's open door and try to go covert ops until after lunch. I tiptoe around the house and avoid passing my boss's door because human shadows are a sure bet to wake her up. But these few hours can be productive for you and I. You e-mail or call back your clients, check in on how they are doing or apologize for not responding sooner. I e-mail or call back and apologize to all the random people in my contact list who Ava may have crank called while she had my Blackberry so I could go to the bathroom.
It's afternoon and lunchtime! You head out to go get an hour in at the gym. You grab your Blackberry and gym bag. I also head out to the gym. I grab Ava's lunch bag, diaper bag, stroller, favourite toys, her sippy for the ride, my Blackberry and finally my gym bag. We get there and you get angry at the single lane lineup to get through the door because of all the parents not courteous enough to fold their stroller at the entrance. I get there too. I cruise right in because I am that parent who has not been courteous enough to fold their stroller at the door. You jump on the bike and hope you don't get a phone call from your boss who needs you back at the office right away. I jump on the bike and hope I don't get a call from daycare downstairs cause my boss just needs me.
Its now 3 pm. You're still full from the tuna roll and salad you picked up on the way home from the gym. I'm full too. I picked mine up off the kitchen floor, as this is Ava's way of telling me she is done. I believe I had toast, cheese, peas and what may have been raisins. There are only three hours left in the workday and neither of us have really gotten any heat from our boss. Then out of nowhere, we hear a big crash. For you it's the door of your boss's corner office. She or he is standing there, arms waving and yelling across the office wondering why the report they asked for three hours ago is not on their desk. For me, it's the corner bedroom door of Ava's room. She is sitting there, arms waving and yelling across the house wondering why she has not eaten in the last eight minutes.
Ahhh, and here we are, it's six o'clock. Time to wrap up. You will make a call or two to confirm an appointment with a client or colleague for tomorrow. I will make a call or two to confirm an appointment with the pediatrician or play date for tomorrow. You will tidy up around your desk and put files away. I will tidy up around the living room and put toys away. You will shut off your lights, computer and close the door. I will shut off the lights, turn all toy computers off and close the door. We will both leave our work areas and think the same thing..."crap, did I phone my significant other back?"
Today has been an important day for the two of us. For today marks the last day of our three month probationary period. You can leave work knowing that in some way, although maybe not spoken or written, the company values you enough to keep you on and see what you will bring to the table. I can leave work (aka Ava's room) knowing, that although she can't speak or write, her smile is enough to tell me how much she values my efforts and looks forward to seeing what I bring to her highchair.
So that's it. I am not a hedge fund manager, a salesperson or general manager. I am a stay at home dad. Maybe not the same job responsibilities but close enough to the same routine I feel. You get paid in cash. I get paid in leftover baby food. Either way we all go to bed at night and do it all over again the next day.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I'm a stay at home what?
Hi, I'm Josh Bennett and I'm a stay at home dad.
What? Who said that? That's how I introduce myself now? Up until three months ago I was making upwards of a six figure salary, had an unlimited budget and frequently networked with CEOs of Fortune 100 Corporations and ad agencies. Now I'm researching cloth diapers, breaking down the nutritional value in a box of Goldfish crackers and chasing my one-year-old bottomless daughter around the house with a diaper in one hand and wipes in the other.
How did a guy who grew up in a below middle class family whose main objective in life was to be the opposite of how his parents were in all aspects (especially financially) get here? I didn't get laid off or fired. I was well-respected at work from the CFO down and was juggling two high-level positions. In fact, in the new year, I was most likely getting promoted again with another pay increase. In a year of such job-related turmoil, where the stock market is crashing, 401Ks are plummetting and large corporations are folding, I just up and left.
Now, I didn't just wake up one day and say "screw it, I quit." There are a series of events that led up to it. Most are heart-wrenching stories that I don't wish upon any family. I'll share most of these events...maybe not now, but someday.
I have a beautiful family. A one year old daughter named Ava who I may refer to as monster, terrorist or lady at points. She is a healthy little girl who pulls on my heartstrings daily. I have gorgeous wife, my soul mate, who is a litigation lawyer at a top NYC law firm. She has done more for me than any husband could dream of and I couldn't picture my life without her. And to top it all off we are now pregnant with our second child.
So here I am. A 31-year-old male who spends a majority of his waking moments doing everything to make sure Ava is here to witness another day. A year ago I was spending most of my time traveling North America, smoking cigars with corporate presidents, entertaining 40+ people at major league sporting events and looking over a sales team bringing in tens of millions annually. But today? Today I was playing blocks on my living room floor with Ava when she stopped, looked me dead in eyes, raised her eyebrows then proceeded to throw up three times all over me, herself and the carpet. Can I expense the carpet cleaning?
This blog will not be centered around "males in society" and how I'm viewed or the "Mr. Mom phenomenon," but rather will just be a place where I can share my stories. Share how a simpleton like me got here. Share events in my life - the good, bad and ugly that others may relate to. Share the experiences of what it's like to have one of the most important jobs in the world - raising children.
I will ramble at times, my grammar will suck (my wife will edit though) and I may just stop writing halfway through. Keep in mind my blogging times are subject to when Ava decides it's ok to release me of my duties. In some ways I'm hoping people will see this and share their experiences or just even tell me it's ok, you're doing a good job. I'm also hoping to connect with other SAHDs in the Brooklyn, NY area that are scared or tired of doing it alone. Maybe I'll have 20 followers or maybe none. Either way, it's irrelevant. All I need is my family by my side.
What? Who said that? That's how I introduce myself now? Up until three months ago I was making upwards of a six figure salary, had an unlimited budget and frequently networked with CEOs of Fortune 100 Corporations and ad agencies. Now I'm researching cloth diapers, breaking down the nutritional value in a box of Goldfish crackers and chasing my one-year-old bottomless daughter around the house with a diaper in one hand and wipes in the other.
How did a guy who grew up in a below middle class family whose main objective in life was to be the opposite of how his parents were in all aspects (especially financially) get here? I didn't get laid off or fired. I was well-respected at work from the CFO down and was juggling two high-level positions. In fact, in the new year, I was most likely getting promoted again with another pay increase. In a year of such job-related turmoil, where the stock market is crashing, 401Ks are plummetting and large corporations are folding, I just up and left.
Now, I didn't just wake up one day and say "screw it, I quit." There are a series of events that led up to it. Most are heart-wrenching stories that I don't wish upon any family. I'll share most of these events...maybe not now, but someday.
I have a beautiful family. A one year old daughter named Ava who I may refer to as monster, terrorist or lady at points. She is a healthy little girl who pulls on my heartstrings daily. I have gorgeous wife, my soul mate, who is a litigation lawyer at a top NYC law firm. She has done more for me than any husband could dream of and I couldn't picture my life without her. And to top it all off we are now pregnant with our second child.
So here I am. A 31-year-old male who spends a majority of his waking moments doing everything to make sure Ava is here to witness another day. A year ago I was spending most of my time traveling North America, smoking cigars with corporate presidents, entertaining 40+ people at major league sporting events and looking over a sales team bringing in tens of millions annually. But today? Today I was playing blocks on my living room floor with Ava when she stopped, looked me dead in eyes, raised her eyebrows then proceeded to throw up three times all over me, herself and the carpet. Can I expense the carpet cleaning?
This blog will not be centered around "males in society" and how I'm viewed or the "Mr. Mom phenomenon," but rather will just be a place where I can share my stories. Share how a simpleton like me got here. Share events in my life - the good, bad and ugly that others may relate to. Share the experiences of what it's like to have one of the most important jobs in the world - raising children.
I will ramble at times, my grammar will suck (my wife will edit though) and I may just stop writing halfway through. Keep in mind my blogging times are subject to when Ava decides it's ok to release me of my duties. In some ways I'm hoping people will see this and share their experiences or just even tell me it's ok, you're doing a good job. I'm also hoping to connect with other SAHDs in the Brooklyn, NY area that are scared or tired of doing it alone. Maybe I'll have 20 followers or maybe none. Either way, it's irrelevant. All I need is my family by my side.
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