Ode to Ava

There are very few traditions I had as a child that I will carry on with my own family. However, one amusing one that I will most likely keep going is The Year In Review Poem. Every December my father would write a witty poem based on events that each of us experienced over the last year. And on Christmas night he would read what he wrote for my mother, sister and I.

You must understand, these aren't one page quick hits. At times, each of ours could be twenty pages long and by the time he was done, three hours had gone by. On October 10th was Ava's first birthday and I decided to create one for my little monster. Below is what took me about three weeks to piece together. Enjoy.

***Spoiler Alert - there are embarrassing moments about my wife and a lot of talk about poo. Now enjoy.


Well it's October 10th 2009
A date mom and I will remember
Cause it's Ava's first birthday
Should have been the 28th of September

You will have no idea
What daddy is saying today
But hopefully you'll read this back
And laugh and cry one day

Your little journey began in 2007
Mommy and daddy were drunk as clowns
Decided it was time for a baby
Over appies at a bar uptown

We tried and tried for months
Every pregnancy test we would flunk
Mommy didn't understand why
So daddy got a doctor to look at his junk

We took a little baby making break
A little less sex for a month or so
But after gallons of pina coladas
Your life began in Mexico

Yes, mommy got pregnant on vacation
A little fetus was on the rise
But after all the booze and smokes that week
Daddy was worried you'd have three eyes

As soon as we found out
We were having a little lady or man
Mommy found a great little doctor
By the name of Dr. Kaplan

We would go to his office on the UES
There he would see mommy and me
I'd play with his cats in the waiting room
Because mommy always had to pee

We went for our first sonogram
They put a wand on mommy as she lay on the bed
She was so happy to see you inside her
I couldn't tell what was a finger or a head

Months and months passed
It was becoming more real
Mommy was getting bigger
And couldn't fit into her heels

We would take the 6 train to work
Hard candy and barf bag in hand
You'd make mommy a little gassy
But a seat she would always land

You were due in September
So mommy left work then
Daddy was so happy for this
'Cause dinner was always ready when he walked in

Muffins, biscuits, lasagnas and pies
Mommy would cook the day away
But it was already the first of October
Still in mommy you would stay

Dr K said it was time to come out
Although against your will
We hailed a hybrid taxi
And drove to Lenox Hill

Mommy got propped up in her bed
Wore a gown, her butt did show
Daddy got the iTunes mix ready
And we fell asleep to The Office tv show

It was Thursday morning now
Mommy could feel you coming
She was in quite a bit of pain
But BNL we were humming

As the day carried on
Mommy tried to push you out
You thought it was funnier to stay inside
We wondered when Ava would come about

Around six o’clock that day
A magical man would appear
He had a great big needle for mommy
That made her pain disappear

Mommy was feeling good
Laughing and flying high
She was craving food like a stoner
Burgers, nachos, no, wait, Popeyes

It was now 10pm on Thursday
Still no Ava to be seen
Quietly we fell asleep
But awoke to a scene

You needed to come out now
A c-Section to prevent any harm
They wheeled mommy to the OR
And soon you'd be in our arms

That magical man reappeared
He had more drugs for mommy
Daddy wondered if he had more
Maybe to help flatten his tummy

Then the moment came
You shot out like a flare
And the nurse’s first words were
Wow, look at all that hair!

We still didn't know your gender
Was it a boy or a girl?
All we knew about you was
You had enough hair to curl

But, it was a beautiful little girl
Ava Josephine would be your name
Today we call you terrorist, monster and lady
Somehow they all work the same

You'd spend a few more days at Lenox Hill
And gifts we would keep on receiving
You would also celebrate there
Your first Canadian Thanksgiving

Soon it was time to go home
The animals were waiting to meet you
Between you, Olivia and Fergus
Daddy picked up so much poo

Grandma Jabeen came to visit
She would stay a week or two
Daddy spent a lot of time on the can
Because of all the Indian food

Lots of guests came to visit
Mommy showed most her boobs
I was still on the can
'Cause of all the leftover Indian food

Uncle Yas came to visit
With gifts he did bear
We'd laugh when he'd hold you
'Cause you both have the same amount of hair

These were all great moments
But we did have a few ripples
Often it was very hard
To remove you from mommy’s nipples

You'd suck and suck and suck
And you'd find sleeping was a sin
But when you were full from milk
You'd pull off mommy’s boob with a grin

And we all remember your first book
I think we all know how the story goes
We'd read it over and over to you
'Cause you also have ten little fingers and ten little toes

Time was flying by
Months went on and on
Soon it would be time
For you to meet Dr. Similon

Your first visit was pleasant
He showed you no mercy
You got three needles that day
And drooped the biggest deuce in Jersey

You loved your first bath
Being scrubbed down, you didn’t care
But til this very day
You hate drying your hair

You scream with all your might
And run straight for the door
As soon as that towel touches your head
You pound those tiny fists on the floor

We've been lucky thus far
No poopsplosions while in the tub
But boy do you let them rip
After eating some of your grub

You fart like it's no thing
You don't care who's in the room
I don't know what you eat sometimes
That make them smell like the pit of Mount Doom

Mommy had time off from work
She'd be at home with you for awhile
You'd drive her a little batty sometimes
Napping was cramping your style

Daddy would get updates at work
"Terrorist only napped twenty minutes all day!
This baby is all yours when you get home!"
Is what a few updates would say

Soon you were eating solids
Purees and cereal to boot
You'd make a mess of your face
And increased the smell of your poop

You loved to rock in your swing
Play and eat on your mat
You enjoy throwing things
But were getting kind of fat

You were going through your onesies
Like daddy goes through sweet potato pie
You'd eat anything thrown at you
Sometimes we thought you were high

Soon came the best toy of all
A neat little gift for you
You'd play around for hours
In your bouncy Jumperoo

Oh the smiles it put on your face
The jumping you would you do!
It would sometimes make you sleepy
And accelerate your lovely poo

It was time for mommy to go back to work
S&C required her brain
So began your adventures at Bright Horizons
And your meltdowns on the 6 train

We'd strap you into the carrier
All was well til we got to the platform floor
But the horrid screams would begin
After hearing "Stand clear of the closing doors!"

People all across New York
Would say isn't she so cute
You'd grin and bat your lashes
Then scream and drop a toot

You were adored at Bright Horizons
The girls loved you a lot
You flirted with little Sebastian
But your digits he never got

You wave all the time
You're always saying hi
Doesn't matter who to
Me or any homeless guy

Five o'clock would come
Mommy would strap you in
Back on the 6 train you’d go
Let the crying begin

You were growing up so fast
Clapping followed by a giggle
It was definitely that mirror toy
Where you learned how to move and wiggle

One thing you did for a while
Like it was some big joke
Was clench your hands and shake your head
Like you were having a stroke

You'd scare some people on the subway
When you'd start to clench those fists
It was like you became possessed
Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist

You love listening to music
You dance and have a ball
Mommy gives me the evil eye though
When you bounce to Biggie Smalls

Shake, shake, shake senora
You shook it all the time
You dance to Ants Marching
And Snoop Dogg sometimes

You celebrated Christmas
New Years, Valentine's, St Patty's too
We laughed hard on Easter
While putting stickers on you.

We have lots of pictures of you
Grumpy ones or in the stroller as you slouch
But we have way too many
Of you and me on the couch

Maybe we both like napping
It's the favorite thing mommy and I do
She also gives me that stressed look
When she's about to take a poo

Soon you began to crawl
And wiggle around like a fish
You had the whole apartment to explore
But always went to the dog dish

You chase the cat with delight
Grab her tail without a care
Lucky for you though
She's too fat to go anywhere

We decided it was time to move
Not enough space at our home
Apparently $3200 a month
Is not good enough for you to roam

To Brooklyn we would go
So much space, you got your wish
We have two floors for you to wander
But still you just want the dog dish

There was something more concerning
Something worse than getting you into bed
Seems that we had a crazy situation
With all that hair on your head

You looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot
Your hairstyle was wacky
Time to go to Lulu's
It was just too tacky!

However we were not prepared
For the shock to come upon us
After your hair was neatly cut
You'd look like Lloyd Christmas

Everyone keeps calling you a boy
Mommy and I politely say it's a she
One more person says it though
We're gonna ram your stroller in their knees

You love going to the swings
All that traveling can be tiring
But it's all worth it when you hop in
And you laugh like a car backfiring

You go up and down 5th Ave
With daddy to the Y
You shake it to Boom Boom Pow
And to everyone you wave hi

You are daddy's little girl
You have my face and grin
But what really sealed the deal
Was your new found love of bacon

It appears changing your diapers
Is no longer easy to do
You wiggle and squirm away
Can't wait for the potty to meet you

Mommy needs to hold you down
Changing diapers you don't find fair
Sometimes you're able to break free
And run away with your butt in the air

You stay home with daddy all day
We laugh, play and explore
I feed you lots of good things
That you throw to Fergus on the floor

We have lots of fun
Everyday we learn something new
But sometimes you scream so loud
Like the devil is inside of you

You are the best thing
That ever happen to mommy and I
You’re a beautiful little girl
And we'll love you till we die

You warm our hearts right up
You make our days so bright
Nothing makes us happier
Than holding you so tight

I've probably missed a few things
Been quite an adventurous year for you
Can't wait to see our little lady grow
Can't wait to see your ever changing poo

So Happy Birthday Ava
I spoke a lot today about poo
Can't wait for this time next year
When you enter your terrible twos

My Profile

Since becoming a SAHD, I find myself joining a lot of different online parenting resource sites – groups, blogs, diapers.com, etc… The one thing they all have in common? Filling out a profile. I find myself skipping this step except for the “required field marked with an asterisk.” The reason is not because I’m lazy…but I believe setting up online profile is like writing your own eulogy – you share all the signature details that made you who you are in life that usually only your family or close friends would laugh, cry or be upset at. And it’s only as good until my membership (or life) expires. But how can I answer all these questions as if today was the first time I've ever been asked? My life has changed drastically in the past 10 years alone. Well, let's start there.

I picked the most popular questions from each site I've joined over the last three months. I'm going to answer each as I would have during three important stages in my life over the past ten years. First, as if it was 1999, the year before I met the love of my life – my wife. Second, as if it was 2005, the year my wife and I were married. And lastly, present day. Exactly how I am today - a SAHD to a one year old girl and another baby on the way in 2010.

The point of this experiment is not to come off all “dudish” or immature. It’s not meant to appear as if I long for those days of high school or college (like the producers of Gossip Girl). If anything, at the very least, it proved how my humor has gone from early Eddie Murphy or Andrew Dice Clay to Ray Romano or Tim Allen today. Sad? You be the judge.

1999 - before meeting my wife

Login info
Email address: kegman69@somemail.com
Username: sexyouupplaya
Photo: insert picture of me doing a keg stand with or possibly without pants on here

Personal info
Sex: All the time baby cause I'm living la vida loca.
City: Toronto
State/Province: Ontario
Country: Canada eh!

Work info
Industry: Full time student. Part time lover
Occupation: TBD but currently Frosh Master

Additional Info
Interests: Surfing the interwebs. Googling myself (hehe). Keggers. Working out.

About me
Y2K doesn't scare me. I already withdrew all my money and am keeping it in my POG collector can until 2001. I enjoy weekends at the cottage with my boys - fishin n’ drinkin. I’m gonna party like its 1999 and that is my final answer cause I’m a playa.

Favorite Movie: Fight Club, Scarface, Goodfellas

Favorite Books: Do magazines count? If so Maxim, Stuff, Men’s Health

Favorite Food: Pizza, Big Macs or whatever is open at 3am on Friday or Saturday nights.

Five things I can't live without: Beer, Maple Leaf Hockey, Mambo # 5 Cd in my Saturn Coupe, women and a six pack....of beer. Burn!!!

2005 - the year my wife and I got married

Login info
Email address: joshuajweiner@hotmail.com
Username: joshuajweiner
Photo: insert wedding picture here

Personal info
Sex: Male
City. Toronto
State/Province: Ontario
Country: Canada.

Work info
Industry: Consumer Packaged Goods
Occupation: Key Account Manager for Pepsi Canada

Additional Info
Interests: Furniture shopping. American Idol (go Taylor Hicks). Sports. Condo shopping. Relaxing at home with my lady watching trashy TV.

About me
I’m a closet Maroon 5 fan. I do not know what a Hollaback Girl is. I’m pretty sure Brad and Angelina are dating and am very happy Letterman and Oprah finally made up. I spend most of my weekends chilling around the apartment or at Bed Bath and Beyond with my fiancé.

Favorite Movie: Crash, Brokeback Mountain, March of the Penguins

Favorite Books: Do books made into movies count? If so, then Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Memoirs of a Geisha and Batman Begins (comic books count).

Favorite Food: Whatever my wife prepares because she is an amazing cook. If she’s not home then cereal.

Five things I can't live without: my wife, Alexander Keith’s Beer, Maple Leaf Hockey, my RAV 4, a cell phone and a finger in my Wendy’s chili. Burn!!!

Present Day

Login info
Email address: joshua.j.bennett@hotmail.com
Username: joshuajbennett
Photo: insert picture of me, my wife and my little girl Ava here.

Personal info
Sex: On my Birthday
City. Brooklyn
State/Province: NY
Country: USA.

Work info
Industry: Parenting
Occupation: Stay at home dad

Additional Info
Interests: Playing with Ava all day. Preparing myself for the next thing that is potentially harmful for my kids (toys, food, H1N1, accessories, etc.). Silently judging parents who put pacifiers back in their child’s mouth after it fell on the subway floor.

About me
I am a diaper changing master. I can push a stroller, pull a grocery cart, talk on a cell phone and kick a nerf ball all at once. I’m learning exciting new things to cook like roasted vegetables and pasta.

Favorite Movie: I haven't seen one since Borat. "Very nice!" Do people still say that, because Ava LOVES it.

Favorite Books: Goodnight Moon, Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes, But Not the Hippopotamus

Favorite Food: whatever Ava doesn’t finish that I can shove in my mouth before she starts screaming. So usually, yogurt, peas, and plums.

Five things I can't live without: my wife, my kid, a diaper bag, a stroller and peace of mind. Snap!!!

My day is not so different from yours...

So I'm reflecting on the days of when we were childless and my typical workday routine back then. I may no longer be an "employee," but I bet I can find similarities between how I operate throughout the day as a SAHD versus someone who goes to an actual place of business.

Starting with our mornings. Like you, I wake up to an alarm. Yours may play the soothing sounds of Dave Matthews, Coldplay or Snoop Dogg. My alarm is a tiny video monitor. I wake to the pterodactyl-like sounds of Ava screaming and staring right into the camera willing someone to release her from her crib-prison. You have a snooze button that may wake you again in five or ten minutes. I have a video "on" button that shows me if Ava is laying back down, in which case I, too, may have five, ten or even 60 more minutes.

You wake and greet the day, roll out of bed and go to the bathroom. I wake and greet the day, but don't have time for the bathroom - my boss is already at work and I must punch in. You and I head to the kitchen. You walk in with the morning paper in hand. I walk in with a 20lb child in hand. We both grab our bowls of cereal and head to the table. You read the morning headlines or grab your Blackberry to check e-mails. I read Sandra Boynton and give my Blackberry to Ava so I can get three minutes to go to the bathroom.

You go to the living or bedroom, start getting ready and flip on the TV to see the morning traffic. Nothing like getting stuck in NYC traffic. I go to the living room or bedroom and flip on the TV to channel 622 for Toddler Tunes and make sure my diapers are ready. Nothing like getting stuck at the change table with no diapers close by.

It's time to leave. You may kiss your significant other goodbye, grab your laptop bag and head to your wheels to go to work. I kiss my significant other goodbye, grab my diaper bag and head out to my wheels (Uppababy stroller) and proceed to the park. This time may be very scary for you and I. We fear almost reaching our destination and realizing we forgot something really important. Yours could be some files or your laptop. Mine is Pampers baby wipes or my child.

Here we both are now at work. You're at some tall building with many floors. I'm at the park. You pray you have your badge, check in with security and proceed through the turnstile. I get to a big metal fence and pray it's unlocked so I haven't just tormented my child with just a visual of the swings. You head to your desk, nod and say hello to some people whose names you don't recall. I head to the jungle gym, nod and say hello to other parents whose names I don't even know. But I do know their children's names.

Between 10 am and noon is crucial for both of us. This is generally the hours where our boss is most grumpy. Yours is cranky because they were on a conference call until 1 am this morning. My boss is cranky because she's been up for four hours and now needs her morning nap. You tiptoe around the office and avoid your boss's open door and try to go covert ops until after lunch. I tiptoe around the house and avoid passing my boss's door because human shadows are a sure bet to wake her up. But these few hours can be productive for you and I. You e-mail or call back your clients, check in on how they are doing or apologize for not responding sooner. I e-mail or call back and apologize to all the random people in my contact list who Ava may have crank called while she had my Blackberry so I could go to the bathroom.

It's afternoon and lunchtime! You head out to go get an hour in at the gym. You grab your Blackberry and gym bag. I also head out to the gym. I grab Ava's lunch bag, diaper bag, stroller, favourite toys, her sippy for the ride, my Blackberry and finally my gym bag. We get there and you get angry at the single lane lineup to get through the door because of all the parents not courteous enough to fold their stroller at the entrance. I get there too. I cruise right in because I am that parent who has not been courteous enough to fold their stroller at the door. You jump on the bike and hope you don't get a phone call from your boss who needs you back at the office right away. I jump on the bike and hope I don't get a call from daycare downstairs cause my boss just needs me.

Its now 3 pm. You're still full from the tuna roll and salad you picked up on the way home from the gym. I'm full too. I picked mine up off the kitchen floor, as this is Ava's way of telling me she is done. I believe I had toast, cheese, peas and what may have been raisins. There are only three hours left in the workday and neither of us have really gotten any heat from our boss. Then out of nowhere, we hear a big crash. For you it's the door of your boss's corner office. She or he is standing there, arms waving and yelling across the office wondering why the report they asked for three hours ago is not on their desk. For me, it's the corner bedroom door of Ava's room. She is sitting there, arms waving and yelling across the house wondering why she has not eaten in the last eight minutes.

Ahhh, and here we are, it's six o'clock. Time to wrap up. You will make a call or two to confirm an appointment with a client or colleague for tomorrow. I will make a call or two to confirm an appointment with the pediatrician or play date for tomorrow. You will tidy up around your desk and put files away. I will tidy up around the living room and put toys away. You will shut off your lights, computer and close the door. I will shut off the lights, turn all toy computers off and close the door. We will both leave our work areas and think the same thing..."crap, did I phone my significant other back?"

Today has been an important day for the two of us. For today marks the last day of our three month probationary period. You can leave work knowing that in some way, although maybe not spoken or written, the company values you enough to keep you on and see what you will bring to the table. I can leave work (aka Ava's room) knowing, that although she can't speak or write, her smile is enough to tell me how much she values my efforts and looks forward to seeing what I bring to her highchair.

So that's it. I am not a hedge fund manager, a salesperson or general manager. I am a stay at home dad. Maybe not the same job responsibilities but close enough to the same routine I feel. You get paid in cash. I get paid in leftover baby food. Either way we all go to bed at night and do it all over again the next day.

I'm a stay at home what?

Hi, I'm Josh Bennett and I'm a stay at home dad.

What? Who said that? That's how I introduce myself now? Up until three months ago I was making upwards of a six figure salary, had an unlimited budget and frequently networked with CEOs of Fortune 100 Corporations and ad agencies. Now I'm researching cloth diapers, breaking down the nutritional value in a box of Goldfish crackers and chasing my one-year-old bottomless daughter around the house with a diaper in one hand and wipes in the other.

How did a guy who grew up in a below middle class family whose main objective in life was to be the opposite of how his parents were in all aspects (especially financially) get here? I didn't get laid off or fired. I was well-respected at work from the CFO down and was juggling two high-level positions. In fact, in the new year, I was most likely getting promoted again with another pay increase. In a year of such job-related turmoil, where the stock market is crashing, 401Ks are plummetting and large corporations are folding, I just up and left.

Now, I didn't just wake up one day and say "screw it, I quit." There are a series of events that led up to it. Most are heart-wrenching stories that I don't wish upon any family. I'll share most of these events...maybe not now, but someday.

I have a beautiful family. A one year old daughter named Ava who I may refer to as monster, terrorist or lady at points. She is a healthy little girl who pulls on my heartstrings daily. I have gorgeous wife, my soul mate, who is a litigation lawyer at a top NYC law firm. She has done more for me than any husband could dream of and I couldn't picture my life without her. And to top it all off we are now pregnant with our second child.

So here I am. A 31-year-old male who spends a majority of his waking moments doing everything to make sure Ava is here to witness another day. A year ago I was spending most of my time traveling North America, smoking cigars with corporate presidents, entertaining 40+ people at major league sporting events and looking over a sales team bringing in tens of millions annually. But today? Today I was playing blocks on my living room floor with Ava when she stopped, looked me dead in eyes, raised her eyebrows then proceeded to throw up three times all over me, herself and the carpet. Can I expense the carpet cleaning?

This blog will not be centered around "males in society" and how I'm viewed or the "Mr. Mom phenomenon," but rather will just be a place where I can share my stories. Share how a simpleton like me got here. Share events in my life - the good, bad and ugly that others may relate to. Share the experiences of what it's like to have one of the most important jobs in the world - raising children.

I will ramble at times, my grammar will suck (my wife will edit though) and I may just stop writing halfway through. Keep in mind my blogging times are subject to when Ava decides it's ok to release me of my duties. In some ways I'm hoping people will see this and share their experiences or just even tell me it's ok, you're doing a good job. I'm also hoping to connect with other SAHDs in the Brooklyn, NY area that are scared or tired of doing it alone. Maybe I'll have 20 followers or maybe none. Either way, it's irrelevant. All I need is my family by my side.