I'm walking down Fifth Avenue, in Brooklyn, to go to the Y. I'm not a fast walker by any means, I mean; I am pushing a 30 lb stroller with a 20 lb toddler inside. But good lord! What is it about people that walk in threes of fours along the sidewalk?!? Seriously?!? You obviously see people coming at you and you can most certainly hear the screams of my child coming from behind you. But still, still you don't move. Is it wrong that I "accidentally" clip your heel with my front wheel? Or accidentally have my kid whip her sippy at you?
Either way, this makes me think of all the things that used to frustrate me pre-Ava and all the things that frustrate me now. Were my expectations of human behavior too high before or too high now? Is what I view as common courtesy not true today, or was I just such an ass before Ava was born that I thought I was too good for this world? You be the judge.
Below are two lists I created. The first is a list of all the things that used to tick me off before I had my daughter, and then after, before we decided I quit and stay home to raise her. The second is a list of all the things that really get to me today. It’s not that I don't find the things on the first list annoying anymore, but they just don't get under my skin as much. I don't know. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. Maybe I'm getting old and, like my father, find mostly everything in life pisses me off. Maybe it’s just me.
Angry List – pre-Ava
1. Drivers who don't signal. Apparently the effort to push down on that tiny little stick coming out of your steering wheel is waaaay too hard.
2. Two tellers staffed out of a possible seven at the bank on a Friday afternoon (because it’s a long weekend and I need to beat the traffic up north and been in line for 30 minutes).
3. Men who don't hold open doors for anyone.
People on the same flight as me with a child under eight (especially a baby), and sat anywhere close to me.
4. Cover charge at bars. What, precisely, is that money going towards?
5. The price of Maple Leaf hockey tickets. 1967, people. 1967!
6. When someone is hogging any piece of equipment at the gym. And by “hogging” I mean just sitting there staring at the girls.
7. People who brag about the car they drive. You will get married, and you will drive a mini van.
8. People who just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You all know who you are.
9. The Gap. Need I say more?
Angry List – Today
1. The collective sigh from all the passengers when they see me board the plane with a one year old. I know what you're all thinking - "not near me, not near me" - and I secretly pray it’s by someone who rolls their eyes.
2. Anyone, man or woman, who don't hold a door open for a person with a child. My child and I will give you the stink eye.
3. Child cover charge at family restaurants. Just add the price into the food so it’s not as upsetting.
4. Two tellers available out of possibly seven at a bank on any given day. My child WILL let you (and everyone else) know it’s taking too long.
5. All drivers.
6. The price of whole milk. Is this a golden cow?
7. When people sign up for free babysitting at the Y and don't show up. I could have used that spot but instead you’re home still contemplating whether or not to work out.
8. People who brag about the stroller they have. It’s metal and nylon people.
9. People that STILL just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You STILL know who you are.
10. Pediatrician offices. My visits are ten minutes flat. What's the hold up?
11. Baby Gap. No need to say more.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
You are a stay at home what?
I'm almost four months into my new role and the fact that Ava has not had one cut (or is simply still here) must mean I'm doing something right. Ava is like my report that was due every Friday at work. I pour my heart and soul into it all week with no verbal recognition and the only way I know I'm still doing is a good job is that I'm allowed back into the building Monday morning.
So where do I get my recognition? Rephrase. Where is my “male” recognition? After four months its pretty easy for me to describe the typical response I get from “working men” when I tell them I'm I stay at home dad. When I say “working,” I mean men who generally go to a place of business every day. Yes, what I do is work, too, but my boss is a foot tall, cries when she doesn’t get her way and needs help cutting her food. Wait....my old boss was kinda like that, too, minus the foot tall part. Anyway, there are three types of categories I can put my fellow man into when I tell them my job. Below are these categories.
1. The "Really!?! Huh....." Group
Gender: Male
Age: 34-60+
Avg. Salary: $200K+++
Relationship to you: Your boss. Your boss’s boss. CEO. Grandfathers.
Other quotes from this group: “Never catch me doing that.” “Ahhh...like my wife?” “Good luck with that.” “How about a promotion and the corner office?” “Too bad, we saw good things for you here” (funny they never said that before).
This group mainly consists of egotistical males who feel money, power and respect is what makes a man. They are generally set in their old-fashioned ways, with some who still complain about women’s right to vote. They are for the most part the leaders you looked to for guidance when you had an office job. And who may take your decision to quit personally, and react emotionally.
2. The “Must be nice...” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 23-33
Avg. Salary: Unemployed-$110K
Relationship to you: Your male friends. Brother. Brother-in-law. Married colleagues making the same as you.
Other quotes from this group: “Good luck, Mr. Mom.” “Dude, who's gonna be my ride to work in the morning now?” “Call me when Oprah’s on.” “Call me when Dr. Phil is on.” “Take me with you and we can start a Daddy Day care.”
This group is mostly made up of your male friends. They think being a stay home dad is about hanging around the house all day, eating bon-bons and watching TV. They picture Peggy Bundy. It is also made up of colleagues who you thought were your good friends but were secretly lurking in the shadows for you to quit or mess up so they could pounce on that next promotion like a starving tiger. They will make funny little comments to look like they are the “good guy” but realistically, you will never talk to them again after your going away party. The same party they have been planning ever since your boss asked you to go for a beer alone.
3. The “What's that like?” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 30-65
Avg. Salary: $40K-millions
Relationship to you: None. They are your wife’s girlfriend’s partner. Or they are your wife’s male colleagues.
Other quotes from this group: “Ahhhh.” “Cool.” “I saw Mrs. Doubtfire.”
This group is pretty much just made of the males in your partner’s life that are too afraid to speak their mind. They respect your partner and are cautious of boundaries to not upset anyone (mainly your partner). They are “interested” to hear about what you do only when your partner is around and following each of your sentences with a simple nod and “nice.” But the moment your partner is gone the conversation quickly turns to sports.
So what male in my life is actually interested in what I do? Easy. Other stay at home dads. Below is their category.
The "Does your kid do this. Oh my god, what is that....?" Group.
Gender: All male all the time
Age: 27-45
Avg. salary: Zip. Zero. Nada. Hugs.
Relationship to you: The other SAHDs you meet once a week for a play date where you can order beer.
Other quotes from this group: “I used to be a.....” “Do you find your life to be more philosophical now.” “This diaper bag demeans us both.” “I wish I had boobs sometimes.”
So where do I get my recognition? Rephrase. Where is my “male” recognition? After four months its pretty easy for me to describe the typical response I get from “working men” when I tell them I'm I stay at home dad. When I say “working,” I mean men who generally go to a place of business every day. Yes, what I do is work, too, but my boss is a foot tall, cries when she doesn’t get her way and needs help cutting her food. Wait....my old boss was kinda like that, too, minus the foot tall part. Anyway, there are three types of categories I can put my fellow man into when I tell them my job. Below are these categories.
1. The "Really!?! Huh....." Group
Gender: Male
Age: 34-60+
Avg. Salary: $200K+++
Relationship to you: Your boss. Your boss’s boss. CEO. Grandfathers.
Other quotes from this group: “Never catch me doing that.” “Ahhh...like my wife?” “Good luck with that.” “How about a promotion and the corner office?” “Too bad, we saw good things for you here” (funny they never said that before).
This group mainly consists of egotistical males who feel money, power and respect is what makes a man. They are generally set in their old-fashioned ways, with some who still complain about women’s right to vote. They are for the most part the leaders you looked to for guidance when you had an office job. And who may take your decision to quit personally, and react emotionally.
2. The “Must be nice...” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 23-33
Avg. Salary: Unemployed-$110K
Relationship to you: Your male friends. Brother. Brother-in-law. Married colleagues making the same as you.
Other quotes from this group: “Good luck, Mr. Mom.” “Dude, who's gonna be my ride to work in the morning now?” “Call me when Oprah’s on.” “Call me when Dr. Phil is on.” “Take me with you and we can start a Daddy Day care.”
This group is mostly made up of your male friends. They think being a stay home dad is about hanging around the house all day, eating bon-bons and watching TV. They picture Peggy Bundy. It is also made up of colleagues who you thought were your good friends but were secretly lurking in the shadows for you to quit or mess up so they could pounce on that next promotion like a starving tiger. They will make funny little comments to look like they are the “good guy” but realistically, you will never talk to them again after your going away party. The same party they have been planning ever since your boss asked you to go for a beer alone.
3. The “What's that like?” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 30-65
Avg. Salary: $40K-millions
Relationship to you: None. They are your wife’s girlfriend’s partner. Or they are your wife’s male colleagues.
Other quotes from this group: “Ahhhh.” “Cool.” “I saw Mrs. Doubtfire.”
This group is pretty much just made of the males in your partner’s life that are too afraid to speak their mind. They respect your partner and are cautious of boundaries to not upset anyone (mainly your partner). They are “interested” to hear about what you do only when your partner is around and following each of your sentences with a simple nod and “nice.” But the moment your partner is gone the conversation quickly turns to sports.
So what male in my life is actually interested in what I do? Easy. Other stay at home dads. Below is their category.
The "Does your kid do this. Oh my god, what is that....?" Group.
Gender: All male all the time
Age: 27-45
Avg. salary: Zip. Zero. Nada. Hugs.
Relationship to you: The other SAHDs you meet once a week for a play date where you can order beer.
Other quotes from this group: “I used to be a.....” “Do you find your life to be more philosophical now.” “This diaper bag demeans us both.” “I wish I had boobs sometimes.”
Monday, November 2, 2009
My morning with Daddy
Ahhh crap! I think I overslept. It feels more like 7am, not 6am. Oh well, whatever, better just start letting daddy know I'm ready to start the day. Waaaaaaaaah. Waaaaahhhhh. Waaaaahhhh. Ugh. Sometimes daddy thinks I'm going to go back to bed but not today, old man. Get up, lazy. Waaaaahhhh. Here we go. I see a light in the hall. Yup, he's here. I hear his baby voice: "Good morning lady!" Good lord! I'm a year old, far from a lady. Crap, think I just pooped. Yeah, yeah, hi, daddy, nice to see you too. *Do cute eye rub and give spaced out look now, he loves that.* Yes, genius, I slept well. Pretty obvious no?!? I went down like 11 hours ago. Pick me up please, I need a diaper change. Easy on the diaper rash cream too, I found some on my knee last night. Okay, what are you going to use to distract me while you try to change my diaper? A block? Stuffed toy? A book? Good luck this...oooooh, your glasses. Gimme gimme gimme. You're taking forever, dude. Shouldn't have switched to cloth. Time's up, buddy, I'm turning over. Ha! How do you like that?!? My butt is in the air and you're struggling to put my onesie back on. Good luck getting me to turn back over! I can do.....ooooh, your hat! Gimme gimme gimme. Ugh. You win this one.
Straight to the kitchen please, I'm starving. You can use the bathroom later. What's for breakfast? Excuse me garcon, I would like to see a menu. Please not waffles. Please not waffles. Booooo, it's waffles du jour. Better call the dog in, I'm gonna be tossing some of these pieces on the floor. Hi, yes, I would like organic whole milk to start and your finest organic blueberry waffle lightly toasted. Thanks. Excuse me garcon, my milk is a little cold. Can you warm it up for me? My waffle is done. Finally! Oooh, a little syrup too. What's that? Don't tell mommy? I won't. Guess I can't anyway cause all I can say is dada and cat. This waffle is pretty good today. I will compliment the chef by bouncing in my high chair and stuffing my face. Um, garcon, would you mind removing this dog from your establishment? He's hovering around me. Thanks. Oh, and could you turn up the music? I can't hear Dave Matthews over my babbling. Ok. I'm done. Please bring me my check and some water. I have left your tip in my diaper. And please alert the valet that I will be requiring a lift from this highchair to the living room.
Aaaah. I'm stuffed. Wait. No. I'm hungry. Oh look, daddy's Blackberry. Why is there someone saying something to me from daddy's phone? It sounds familiar. Sounds like gramma. How did she know I had daddy's phone and why does she just keep saying hello? Yeesh, even I know more words than that. Whatever, I'll just keep pushing some buttons to let her know I'm here. I think she's gone. That was rude, she didn't even say goodbye. Okay, I'm done with my toy. What's over here? Hmmm, that's odd. There used to be a glass bowl on top of this table. Where is it? I usually tried reaching for it and daddy would always say "not for babies." Its so cute when he says that. And he says it often too! Wait, there it is. Ugh, how am I going to reach that all the way up there? Whatever. What's over h... Sorry, brief pause. I fell. Waaaah. Waaah. Waaaah. I love when I fall cause daddy always picks me up and makes funny noises. They sound like farts. Giggle, giggle, giggle. Okay, I'm good. What was I crying ab....ooooh what's over here? Wait. Excuse me, daddy? I used to be able to open this drawer all the way. Seems to be something preventing me from doing that now. Please assist. No, I would not like to play with my Leapfrog table. I would like to play with this drawer. Good, he's coming over. Wait, wait. Why you picking me up? Put me down. I would like to see what's in the dr....oooooh my Wheelybug! Good call, daddy. Could you prop me up into a stand position please? Thanks. And I'm off. Wheeeeeeeeee. Ugh. I'm stuck. Who put this wall here? It wasn't here yesterday. Hello?!? Need a little help. Hello?!? Waaah. Waaaaah. Waaaaah. No daddy, I'm not tired and cranky. I'm stuck in this corner. I do not need a nap, thank you very much. Yeeesh. You and the "naps." Go use the bathroom or something. I release you from your duties for two or three minutes. Wait. No. I didn't mean it. Come back. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Come back.....yay mommy is here to supervise before she goes to work. Look, mommy. I pulled all this stuff out of my toy box. I'm not using any of it but we can sit here and stare at it. Want to do a chant with me, mommy? Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. No, I'm saying dada not momma. I don't know that word yet. I love when I chant dada. Mommy always gives daddy this evil stare. Oooooh, what's this? The tv converter? Woohoooo. Let me just press all these buttons and....yay, now the tv is on. Ooooooh, the Today Show. I love the Today Show. Except I can never find Matt Lauer. What's that Al Roker? What's going on in my neck of the woods? Ummm, mostly clear with a 100 percent chance of poop. Oh, daddy is back. Guess mommy is going to work now. Pick me up daddy, I would like to say goodbye to mommy. Yes, yes, daddy, I know she's leaving. I'm saying goodbye. Look at my hand, it's in the air. Now kiss her and put me down, I see a drawer I was working on before.
Okay....apparently you don't want to put me down, but rather you request my assistance in pointing items out in the room. Let's make this snappy, that drawer is calling my name. Yes, that's the balloon there. That's the clock there. Yeesh, you're like 31, dude. Don't you remember? Yes, the pictures of me are there (I do look cute if I say so myself). The fan is up there. The table? What's that? Table? Ummmm....there? Oh, wait, that's you I'm pointing at. Table, table, let's see.....there? Yes! Sweet! Ha! Take that, Baby Einstein! Okay, I'm a little bored. Let's try some walking. Grab my hands and stand behind me please, daddy. For the love of Pete! I said behind me. Not in front. Waaah. Waaah. Waaaahh. Now get back there already. Okay, here we go. I'm walking. I'm walking. Check me out everybody. Now daddy stopped and is walking away. Not sure why, but maybe he's tired. It has been a busy morning for the poor guy. Wait. If he's walking away and I'm still standing....then what am I holding on to? That's it! I'm falling. Waaaaah. Waaaaah waaaah. Take that, daddy! Teach you to walk away. Waaah waahhhh....ooooh airplane ride. Wheeeeeeee. Attention passengers, this is your captain, Ava, speaking. If you look to the left you will see a bookshelf. If you look to your right you will see......my drawer I was trying to open!!! Please buckle up we are preparing to land. Waaaaahhhhh. Oooooh, you are a good distractor, Mr Bennett but please sit me down in front of my draw.....ABCDEFGHI....I love this song. LMNOP. La la la la la. Excuse me, Mr DJ? I would like to hear Old MacDonald Had a Farm and please make sure a rooster is there this time. I love that cockadoodle doo noise. Hmmm, daddy is funny sometimes. Maybe I should smile, clap and give him a couple more giggles to let him know he's alright. Done. EIEIEIOOOOO. Ahhhhh, good show daddy. Good show. Yawwwwwwwn. Crap. Did daddy see that? Crap, crap. I think he saw me yawn. Yup, here he comes. Ahhh well, its been a good three hour run. I'll get a little nap on and hope that he works on his pitch while I sleep. He was a little flat on that last song. He tidied my toys. Check. He restocked my wipes. Check. He changed my diaper. Check. Wait. Wait. You forgot something. A hug from me. Here you go, daddy. Love you. See you in an hour.
Straight to the kitchen please, I'm starving. You can use the bathroom later. What's for breakfast? Excuse me garcon, I would like to see a menu. Please not waffles. Please not waffles. Booooo, it's waffles du jour. Better call the dog in, I'm gonna be tossing some of these pieces on the floor. Hi, yes, I would like organic whole milk to start and your finest organic blueberry waffle lightly toasted. Thanks. Excuse me garcon, my milk is a little cold. Can you warm it up for me? My waffle is done. Finally! Oooh, a little syrup too. What's that? Don't tell mommy? I won't. Guess I can't anyway cause all I can say is dada and cat. This waffle is pretty good today. I will compliment the chef by bouncing in my high chair and stuffing my face. Um, garcon, would you mind removing this dog from your establishment? He's hovering around me. Thanks. Oh, and could you turn up the music? I can't hear Dave Matthews over my babbling. Ok. I'm done. Please bring me my check and some water. I have left your tip in my diaper. And please alert the valet that I will be requiring a lift from this highchair to the living room.
Aaaah. I'm stuffed. Wait. No. I'm hungry. Oh look, daddy's Blackberry. Why is there someone saying something to me from daddy's phone? It sounds familiar. Sounds like gramma. How did she know I had daddy's phone and why does she just keep saying hello? Yeesh, even I know more words than that. Whatever, I'll just keep pushing some buttons to let her know I'm here. I think she's gone. That was rude, she didn't even say goodbye. Okay, I'm done with my toy. What's over here? Hmmm, that's odd. There used to be a glass bowl on top of this table. Where is it? I usually tried reaching for it and daddy would always say "not for babies." Its so cute when he says that. And he says it often too! Wait, there it is. Ugh, how am I going to reach that all the way up there? Whatever. What's over h... Sorry, brief pause. I fell. Waaaah. Waaah. Waaaah. I love when I fall cause daddy always picks me up and makes funny noises. They sound like farts. Giggle, giggle, giggle. Okay, I'm good. What was I crying ab....ooooh what's over here? Wait. Excuse me, daddy? I used to be able to open this drawer all the way. Seems to be something preventing me from doing that now. Please assist. No, I would not like to play with my Leapfrog table. I would like to play with this drawer. Good, he's coming over. Wait, wait. Why you picking me up? Put me down. I would like to see what's in the dr....oooooh my Wheelybug! Good call, daddy. Could you prop me up into a stand position please? Thanks. And I'm off. Wheeeeeeeeee. Ugh. I'm stuck. Who put this wall here? It wasn't here yesterday. Hello?!? Need a little help. Hello?!? Waaah. Waaaaah. Waaaaah. No daddy, I'm not tired and cranky. I'm stuck in this corner. I do not need a nap, thank you very much. Yeeesh. You and the "naps." Go use the bathroom or something. I release you from your duties for two or three minutes. Wait. No. I didn't mean it. Come back. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Come back.....yay mommy is here to supervise before she goes to work. Look, mommy. I pulled all this stuff out of my toy box. I'm not using any of it but we can sit here and stare at it. Want to do a chant with me, mommy? Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. No, I'm saying dada not momma. I don't know that word yet. I love when I chant dada. Mommy always gives daddy this evil stare. Oooooh, what's this? The tv converter? Woohoooo. Let me just press all these buttons and....yay, now the tv is on. Ooooooh, the Today Show. I love the Today Show. Except I can never find Matt Lauer. What's that Al Roker? What's going on in my neck of the woods? Ummm, mostly clear with a 100 percent chance of poop. Oh, daddy is back. Guess mommy is going to work now. Pick me up daddy, I would like to say goodbye to mommy. Yes, yes, daddy, I know she's leaving. I'm saying goodbye. Look at my hand, it's in the air. Now kiss her and put me down, I see a drawer I was working on before.
Okay....apparently you don't want to put me down, but rather you request my assistance in pointing items out in the room. Let's make this snappy, that drawer is calling my name. Yes, that's the balloon there. That's the clock there. Yeesh, you're like 31, dude. Don't you remember? Yes, the pictures of me are there (I do look cute if I say so myself). The fan is up there. The table? What's that? Table? Ummmm....there? Oh, wait, that's you I'm pointing at. Table, table, let's see.....there? Yes! Sweet! Ha! Take that, Baby Einstein! Okay, I'm a little bored. Let's try some walking. Grab my hands and stand behind me please, daddy. For the love of Pete! I said behind me. Not in front. Waaah. Waaah. Waaaahh. Now get back there already. Okay, here we go. I'm walking. I'm walking. Check me out everybody. Now daddy stopped and is walking away. Not sure why, but maybe he's tired. It has been a busy morning for the poor guy. Wait. If he's walking away and I'm still standing....then what am I holding on to? That's it! I'm falling. Waaaaah. Waaaaah waaaah. Take that, daddy! Teach you to walk away. Waaah waahhhh....ooooh airplane ride. Wheeeeeeee. Attention passengers, this is your captain, Ava, speaking. If you look to the left you will see a bookshelf. If you look to your right you will see......my drawer I was trying to open!!! Please buckle up we are preparing to land. Waaaaahhhhh. Oooooh, you are a good distractor, Mr Bennett but please sit me down in front of my draw.....ABCDEFGHI....I love this song. LMNOP. La la la la la. Excuse me, Mr DJ? I would like to hear Old MacDonald Had a Farm and please make sure a rooster is there this time. I love that cockadoodle doo noise. Hmmm, daddy is funny sometimes. Maybe I should smile, clap and give him a couple more giggles to let him know he's alright. Done. EIEIEIOOOOO. Ahhhhh, good show daddy. Good show. Yawwwwwwwn. Crap. Did daddy see that? Crap, crap. I think he saw me yawn. Yup, here he comes. Ahhh well, its been a good three hour run. I'll get a little nap on and hope that he works on his pitch while I sleep. He was a little flat on that last song. He tidied my toys. Check. He restocked my wipes. Check. He changed my diaper. Check. Wait. Wait. You forgot something. A hug from me. Here you go, daddy. Love you. See you in an hour.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
