Yes, Ava, there is a Santa Claus....

and an Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Boogie Man and whatever damn else I can use to bribe you with.


This time of year seems not only brings out the goofy holiday cheer in me, but also often makes me think of my childhood during the month of December. It was the eighties, so being in a choir singing songs about "our Lord," decorating our class Christmas tree with nativity scene ornaments and saying "Merry Christmas" all the time was normal. Today, kids stick to singing Jingle Bells, usually the only Christmas tree in classrooms are the paper ones the kids cut out themselves and we tend to say Happy Holidays. None of this bothers me. I'm not ranting about religion, beliefs or "non-denominational" Christmas like my mother does after a bottle of sherry. I respect everyone's freedom to celebrate the holiday as they like. But for the love of Christ, leave Santa and the Easter Bunny out of it!

I am a new parent. My daughter is 14 months old and we have our second due in June. I would love to sit back and say that both will be perfect and they will listen to everything I say. "Ava, brush your teeth." "OK, daddy, I love you." HA!!!!!! Keep dreaming. So what am I to do if my kids refuse to brush their teeth? Am I going to sit a five year old Ava down for an hour's lecture on the horrible risks of tooth decay and bleeding gums, or am I going to to tell her that the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to kids with rotten teeth? I think we both know the answer...

This time every year there is always some story about people complaining about how we've forgotten the True Meaning of Christmas and the story of Santa is a mockery to what we "should" be celebrating. I can't help but wonder if these people are childless. Or perhaps they are such great parents that there is no time in December when their child is behaving so aggravatingly that they don't have to break out the Santa threats.

Don't get me wrong. I will teach my kids the meaning of Christmas and Easter the same way I learned it - sitting them down and and making them watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Passion of the Christ in succession. You're right Mr Grinch, Christmas did come without ribbons. It did come without tags. It did come without packages, boxes and tags. I get it. I really, really get it.

I understand that people celebrate Christmas in different ways. Some have Santa, some don't. Between the age of nine (when I found out the truth about Santa) until Ava was born, I never gave it a second thought. I'd read these articles year after year and think it was a good debate. But today? What am I seriously going to do without him when come Christmas Eve my kids won't sleep? "Children, it's bed time! If you don't go to sleep you won't get any, uh, turkey tomorrow night!"?

In the end, I don't think Santa was really this saint from Holland who gave gifts to the less fortunate. I think it was some fat old dude back in the third century who was home with his kids one night. They were probably terrorizing the house by throwing cobble all over the place or chiseling their names in the wall when daddy just couldn't take it anymore and told them to be quiet or they won't get the roman statuettes he'd just bartered for. That hushed them up. He bragged to all his friends about how he got his kids to be good by bribing them with gifts and the story took off from there. Eitherway, I will do the same whether in December or April or whenever my kid loses a tooth.


Happy Holidays all.

Dear Santa

Hope you are well and hope you are ready for the big trip around the world tonight. I don't want much this year, in fact, I really don't know what things are, so I'll be happy with anything. However, below is a list from daddy on the things I apparently need. I have been extra good this year and I know it's only my first full year outside of mommy's tummy, but man, I have been soooooo good. I have learned to walk, so now I'm able to run away from the bath tub faster. I have learned to talk, so now I can yell actual words all day long. I have learned to hold and drink from a sippy, so now I can fling it across the room when I don't want it. Even daddy calls me a "good girl" all the time. Just the other day we were at this government office and daddy was like number 50 in line to get to the front. So I decided to scream and get fussy and all of a sudden we were moved to the front of line and he was like "good girl, Ava.” Yay me!

Anywho, how is Mrs. Claus? Is she staying home with the elves tonight? Actually, is she home with them every day and night? How does she do it? That's a lot of elves to tend to. It's just me and daddy all day and he's always like "freeze, Ava!” or “get that out of your mouth.” And I'm always like "waaahh, waaahh” or “ahhhhhhh" and he's always like "what are you yelling at?” But I couldn't imagine being home with one elf, let alone that many.... You know, maybe if you have ten minutes tonight you should talk to my dad about quitting and taking some time to raise the elves and reindeer for awhile. Daddy seems to be handling it pretty well. Just the other day while I was yelling in my stroller on the way home he was like "wow, thank you for being so pleasant Ava!" and I was like "awwwwwww that's sweet, waaaaaahhhhhhh!"

I hope one day I get to meet you but for now I will keep leaving you letters and milk and cookies. So, like I said, below is a list of things daddy says I need, so I guess that's all I want for Christmas.

Love Ava


1) Ava, you need to stop putting everything in your mouth.
2) Ava, you need to hold still while daddy changes your diaper.
3) Ava, you need a nap.
4) Ava, you need to eat.
5) Ava, you need to stop grabbing the lamp.
6) Ava, you need to be careful with that knife (haha, just kidding "knives are NOT for babies")
7) Ava, you need a bath.
8) Ava, you need to learn to say momma so mommy will stop thinking I'm not trying to teach you that word.
9) Ava, you need to stop yelling at daddy.
10) Ava, you need to grow up and be rich so mommy and daddy can retire.

Me fail english?!? That's umpossible!

First, let me apologize for my failure to update. Between Thanksgiving, decking the halls in Clark Griswold fashion, understanding a 14 month old’s mentality and now studying for my US citizenship test, I have fallen behind in my blog more than my tenth grade Spanish class. However, it is that last sentence that leads me into my next round of musings....am I smarter than a fifth grader?

I have never considered myself "smart" but always classified my brains under "street smart." Season three of the Apprentice, Book vs Street Smarts, was the first reality show I ever felt I could be on and excel at. In fact, I think I "coulda been ooge." Nonetheless, you could imagine my disappointment during the season finale to see Book Smarts, Kendra Todd, win. Not sure what sort of degree you need to have to smile and say "my house is worth what?" eight times in an half hour episode, but I'm pretty sure my diploma would have gotten me at least that far...

Either way, for the last three months, I have spent the majority of my time repeating words like dog, cat or milk to Ava. We take tours around the house and neighborhood and point out things like trees, tables and toilets. When not trying to build her vocabulary by pointing out simple little objects, the rest of my time with her is spent singing quirky nursery rhymes or Disney theme music. If you think you know all the words to Heigh Ho, you are wrong. I was just like you.... And when I'm not with Ava I find my discussions with other adults are centered around children.

I was with my wife the other day at her OB-GYN appointment and this fellow looked at our stroller, then looked directly at my wife and said "how do you like that thing?" Oh, the emotions running through me when he said that. First, I was insulted that he asked my wife rather than me. Then forgiveness set in as I was just so excited to give him the details of our Uppababy stroller experience. I completely cut my wife off from answering, looked him square in the eyes and gave him the pros and cons. And it didn't stop there. When he thanked me for my opinion, I cornered him in the hall 30 minutes later to give more specs. What have I become? For the past 11 years I have spent my time talking with key decision makers about P&Ls, ROIs and NDA's. And if not business jargon I would build conversation around current events like the recession, or the Bush administration or how the Yankees’ payroll far exceeds the GDP of most developing countries. Today? I invented a new word: "smeeglebloggin." Ava loves it.

So what has happened to my mind over these past three months? I'm not sure but I accidently came across a banner ad for the "are you smarter than a fifth grader quiz" and thought sure, this should be interesting. Turns out I'm 15% smarter than one. WHAT?!?!?!? Um.... Is cause for concern? Have the last three months made me dumber....I mean, more dumb....I mean, less intelligent....I spend so much time teaching the basics to Ava and talking about cloth diapers, is it possible I have inadvertently dumbed myself down....I mean, become less smart...I mean, become more simple-minded...?

What is the compound word in this sentence--the bus driver took an alternate route to the airport? Pretty easy right? My wife is waaaaay smarter than me and got it wrong too so I don't feel that bad but still, it's a fifth grade question.... The "problem" is that I have surrounded myself with people who overwhelm me with stories about their children or the new "gotta have" children’s item. And, if it's not who I surround myself with I create my own damage; a day out on the town for me is to Macy’s Santaland. My wife and I haven't been out to a dinner party or out with another a couple, sans children, in forever and the truth is, I'm scared to. What do I talk about? Can we talk about the kids? I'm scared that someone is going to say "adult only conversation tonight" and I'm not sure what they are going to mean. It’s not that I won't be able to talk adult stuff, it's just that I'm not that up to speed on hot topics or world events. When it hits 7pm and Ava goes to sleep, it is very hard to find the mental strength after a day of singing the alphabet song to then open the NY Times to read about Obama's plea to the Senate to approve the contentious health care legislation. What's worse? I am I big NFL fan (go Pats!), but ask me who the Patriots played last Sunday......no clue, just know they won. If someone asked me "hey catch last weeks Patriot’s game?” what do I say? "No, I while Ava was sleeping I was researching what discoloration of toddler poop should be cause of concern”?

Now I can't say I was always an avid reader of novels. I gained most of my knowledge from reading online or magazines or even hands on. But, if I open an article on CNN and the second line doesn't rhyme with the first my power to keep reading on has vanished. I'm talking to you, Dana Bash - I know it's hard to find a word to rhyme with Lieberman but I'm sure if Dr Seuss was alive today he would find one... What's more, is I find I respond to people in rhymes. "Will that be cash or credit sir"? "It will be credit, I concur". And everything I do or see daily must have a moral story attached. I must pay for my Ava's Christmas gift with either cash or credit because if I don't it's stealing.

Now, don't get me wrong. This has been the most fulfilling job I have ever had. In a perfect world I would love to do this until school starts for all my kids (once they are even born), but we can't predict the future. It's just that I have to live like I have multiple personality disorder. One personality is 14 months old and the other is 32. The 14 month old talks slowly using words like dada or ball, pretends to fall all the time and acts as if hiding behind a couch is the funniest thing in the world. The 32 year old needs to remember things like you can't leave your hammer and nails lying around, you can't put your Blackberry on the table without locking it and you most certainly can never leave the toilet seat up (a rule that never seemed to make sense when my wife used to tell me not to do it before we had kids).

So yes, I fill my days up living a life as a 14 month old sees it. One day when all our kids are grown up maybe I will be able to reconnect with society and be an adult again. For now, I'm more of a chimp stuck in a Jack Hannah zoo experiment - I am learning how to adapt in my new habitat, I will point at stuff all day long, laugh like a maniac and one day when I'm just getting the hang of everything, I will be let back out into the wild unsure of what my new learnings will actually do for me. I will have to accept that my brain has been dulled a bit. I will have to accept I have lost some wit. I don't know if my intelligence will reappear. I do not know and will not fear.

Oh, and compound word is airport. Airport.