Ode to Ava

There are very few traditions I had as a child that I will carry on with my own family. However, one amusing one that I will most likely keep going is The Year In Review Poem. Every December my father would write a witty poem based on events that each of us experienced over the last year. And on Christmas night he would read what he wrote for my mother, sister and I.

You must understand, these aren't one page quick hits. At times, each of ours could be twenty pages long and by the time he was done, three hours had gone by. On October 10th was Ava's first birthday and I decided to create one for my little monster. Below is what took me about three weeks to piece together. Enjoy.

***Spoiler Alert - there are embarrassing moments about my wife and a lot of talk about poo. Now enjoy.


Well it's October 10th 2009
A date mom and I will remember
Cause it's Ava's first birthday
Should have been the 28th of September

You will have no idea
What daddy is saying today
But hopefully you'll read this back
And laugh and cry one day

Your little journey began in 2007
Mommy and daddy were drunk as clowns
Decided it was time for a baby
Over appies at a bar uptown

We tried and tried for months
Every pregnancy test we would flunk
Mommy didn't understand why
So daddy got a doctor to look at his junk

We took a little baby making break
A little less sex for a month or so
But after gallons of pina coladas
Your life began in Mexico

Yes, mommy got pregnant on vacation
A little fetus was on the rise
But after all the booze and smokes that week
Daddy was worried you'd have three eyes

As soon as we found out
We were having a little lady or man
Mommy found a great little doctor
By the name of Dr. Kaplan

We would go to his office on the UES
There he would see mommy and me
I'd play with his cats in the waiting room
Because mommy always had to pee

We went for our first sonogram
They put a wand on mommy as she lay on the bed
She was so happy to see you inside her
I couldn't tell what was a finger or a head

Months and months passed
It was becoming more real
Mommy was getting bigger
And couldn't fit into her heels

We would take the 6 train to work
Hard candy and barf bag in hand
You'd make mommy a little gassy
But a seat she would always land

You were due in September
So mommy left work then
Daddy was so happy for this
'Cause dinner was always ready when he walked in

Muffins, biscuits, lasagnas and pies
Mommy would cook the day away
But it was already the first of October
Still in mommy you would stay

Dr K said it was time to come out
Although against your will
We hailed a hybrid taxi
And drove to Lenox Hill

Mommy got propped up in her bed
Wore a gown, her butt did show
Daddy got the iTunes mix ready
And we fell asleep to The Office tv show

It was Thursday morning now
Mommy could feel you coming
She was in quite a bit of pain
But BNL we were humming

As the day carried on
Mommy tried to push you out
You thought it was funnier to stay inside
We wondered when Ava would come about

Around six o’clock that day
A magical man would appear
He had a great big needle for mommy
That made her pain disappear

Mommy was feeling good
Laughing and flying high
She was craving food like a stoner
Burgers, nachos, no, wait, Popeyes

It was now 10pm on Thursday
Still no Ava to be seen
Quietly we fell asleep
But awoke to a scene

You needed to come out now
A c-Section to prevent any harm
They wheeled mommy to the OR
And soon you'd be in our arms

That magical man reappeared
He had more drugs for mommy
Daddy wondered if he had more
Maybe to help flatten his tummy

Then the moment came
You shot out like a flare
And the nurse’s first words were
Wow, look at all that hair!

We still didn't know your gender
Was it a boy or a girl?
All we knew about you was
You had enough hair to curl

But, it was a beautiful little girl
Ava Josephine would be your name
Today we call you terrorist, monster and lady
Somehow they all work the same

You'd spend a few more days at Lenox Hill
And gifts we would keep on receiving
You would also celebrate there
Your first Canadian Thanksgiving

Soon it was time to go home
The animals were waiting to meet you
Between you, Olivia and Fergus
Daddy picked up so much poo

Grandma Jabeen came to visit
She would stay a week or two
Daddy spent a lot of time on the can
Because of all the Indian food

Lots of guests came to visit
Mommy showed most her boobs
I was still on the can
'Cause of all the leftover Indian food

Uncle Yas came to visit
With gifts he did bear
We'd laugh when he'd hold you
'Cause you both have the same amount of hair

These were all great moments
But we did have a few ripples
Often it was very hard
To remove you from mommy’s nipples

You'd suck and suck and suck
And you'd find sleeping was a sin
But when you were full from milk
You'd pull off mommy’s boob with a grin

And we all remember your first book
I think we all know how the story goes
We'd read it over and over to you
'Cause you also have ten little fingers and ten little toes

Time was flying by
Months went on and on
Soon it would be time
For you to meet Dr. Similon

Your first visit was pleasant
He showed you no mercy
You got three needles that day
And drooped the biggest deuce in Jersey

You loved your first bath
Being scrubbed down, you didn’t care
But til this very day
You hate drying your hair

You scream with all your might
And run straight for the door
As soon as that towel touches your head
You pound those tiny fists on the floor

We've been lucky thus far
No poopsplosions while in the tub
But boy do you let them rip
After eating some of your grub

You fart like it's no thing
You don't care who's in the room
I don't know what you eat sometimes
That make them smell like the pit of Mount Doom

Mommy had time off from work
She'd be at home with you for awhile
You'd drive her a little batty sometimes
Napping was cramping your style

Daddy would get updates at work
"Terrorist only napped twenty minutes all day!
This baby is all yours when you get home!"
Is what a few updates would say

Soon you were eating solids
Purees and cereal to boot
You'd make a mess of your face
And increased the smell of your poop

You loved to rock in your swing
Play and eat on your mat
You enjoy throwing things
But were getting kind of fat

You were going through your onesies
Like daddy goes through sweet potato pie
You'd eat anything thrown at you
Sometimes we thought you were high

Soon came the best toy of all
A neat little gift for you
You'd play around for hours
In your bouncy Jumperoo

Oh the smiles it put on your face
The jumping you would you do!
It would sometimes make you sleepy
And accelerate your lovely poo

It was time for mommy to go back to work
S&C required her brain
So began your adventures at Bright Horizons
And your meltdowns on the 6 train

We'd strap you into the carrier
All was well til we got to the platform floor
But the horrid screams would begin
After hearing "Stand clear of the closing doors!"

People all across New York
Would say isn't she so cute
You'd grin and bat your lashes
Then scream and drop a toot

You were adored at Bright Horizons
The girls loved you a lot
You flirted with little Sebastian
But your digits he never got

You wave all the time
You're always saying hi
Doesn't matter who to
Me or any homeless guy

Five o'clock would come
Mommy would strap you in
Back on the 6 train you’d go
Let the crying begin

You were growing up so fast
Clapping followed by a giggle
It was definitely that mirror toy
Where you learned how to move and wiggle

One thing you did for a while
Like it was some big joke
Was clench your hands and shake your head
Like you were having a stroke

You'd scare some people on the subway
When you'd start to clench those fists
It was like you became possessed
Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist

You love listening to music
You dance and have a ball
Mommy gives me the evil eye though
When you bounce to Biggie Smalls

Shake, shake, shake senora
You shook it all the time
You dance to Ants Marching
And Snoop Dogg sometimes

You celebrated Christmas
New Years, Valentine's, St Patty's too
We laughed hard on Easter
While putting stickers on you.

We have lots of pictures of you
Grumpy ones or in the stroller as you slouch
But we have way too many
Of you and me on the couch

Maybe we both like napping
It's the favorite thing mommy and I do
She also gives me that stressed look
When she's about to take a poo

Soon you began to crawl
And wiggle around like a fish
You had the whole apartment to explore
But always went to the dog dish

You chase the cat with delight
Grab her tail without a care
Lucky for you though
She's too fat to go anywhere

We decided it was time to move
Not enough space at our home
Apparently $3200 a month
Is not good enough for you to roam

To Brooklyn we would go
So much space, you got your wish
We have two floors for you to wander
But still you just want the dog dish

There was something more concerning
Something worse than getting you into bed
Seems that we had a crazy situation
With all that hair on your head

You looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot
Your hairstyle was wacky
Time to go to Lulu's
It was just too tacky!

However we were not prepared
For the shock to come upon us
After your hair was neatly cut
You'd look like Lloyd Christmas

Everyone keeps calling you a boy
Mommy and I politely say it's a she
One more person says it though
We're gonna ram your stroller in their knees

You love going to the swings
All that traveling can be tiring
But it's all worth it when you hop in
And you laugh like a car backfiring

You go up and down 5th Ave
With daddy to the Y
You shake it to Boom Boom Pow
And to everyone you wave hi

You are daddy's little girl
You have my face and grin
But what really sealed the deal
Was your new found love of bacon

It appears changing your diapers
Is no longer easy to do
You wiggle and squirm away
Can't wait for the potty to meet you

Mommy needs to hold you down
Changing diapers you don't find fair
Sometimes you're able to break free
And run away with your butt in the air

You stay home with daddy all day
We laugh, play and explore
I feed you lots of good things
That you throw to Fergus on the floor

We have lots of fun
Everyday we learn something new
But sometimes you scream so loud
Like the devil is inside of you

You are the best thing
That ever happen to mommy and I
You’re a beautiful little girl
And we'll love you till we die

You warm our hearts right up
You make our days so bright
Nothing makes us happier
Than holding you so tight

I've probably missed a few things
Been quite an adventurous year for you
Can't wait to see our little lady grow
Can't wait to see your ever changing poo

So Happy Birthday Ava
I spoke a lot today about poo
Can't wait for this time next year
When you enter your terrible twos