Today is my birthday. I'm 32 and can safely say my life has been a joke up until four months ago. Four months ago is when my wife and I decided I quit and stay home with Ava. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I have done in my life that has been more fulfilling or rewarding than what I'm doing now.
I think back to all the jobs I had and all the people I met and I am more than thankful for the learning experience, but what was I actually getting out of it? A feel for the corporate world? A sense of independence? A chance to become some big shot, where if you utter my name to colleagues below my rank they freeze up? Who cares! The toughest job I have ever had is right now. I am the company owner and my one employee doesn't care and for a lack of better words, will literally shit on me.
There are lots of people who have been fortunate enough to take on the same position as me and I hope they feel the same way as I do. I hope they feel not only grateful that they can share so many first times with their children but also grateful they have a spouse that has given them the opportunity to do so. As I write down silly little experiences I have with Ava I also need to acknowledge I have the best wife in the world that has allowed me to be in this spot today.
I am not a perfect man. You can say I'm not even entitled to be in this spot today. But I am and its all thanks to the only person who has ever been there for me, my wife, Sultana. She works her butt off on a daily basis and forfeits this opportunity not because she wants to but because she is the breadwinner of the household. If situations were reversed she would be in my spot without a second thought.
I have traveled up and down may roads with her and I cherish every memory I have of us together, more now than ever. She has been by my side through so much bullshit and I took so much of that for granted. She has accomplished so much in such a small amount of time that makes me not only envious but proud to know someone like her.
We would love to be rich so we could both stay home and raise our kids. We constantly banter around start up businesses that we could develop so we could be at home and share the child raising responsibilities. I mean how hard is to really think of and develop the Snuggie? We could have down that! Unfortunately we are not there yet. We do believe that if the opportunity exists that one of us at least should always be home. Her overwhelming dedication to seeing that our kids have all the best opportunities offered to them in life makes me not only want to be a better father but a better person.
I know in my heart that when she comes home from work she would rather have been the parent that got Ava to the point of walking or spoon feeding herself. The truth is she is that parent. Without her support to keep this family going financially or emotionally who knows at what life stage Ava would develop her skills. And thanks to that Ava was given the chance to show off her skills for the first time to her dad.
Above all else, Sultana is the best mother to our little girl and will be to our little gal or dude brewing in her tummy right now. I could not think of a better role model as a parent or working individual that our kids could look up to. She has sacrificed so much all for the sake of our family and we are all truly blessed. I thank you Sultana for all you do. You are a shining example of all things good in this world and deserve every bit of happiness and success you have and will keep accomplishing. I love you.
P.S. Sultana normally edits my blog posts. Since I did not want her to see this first, I apologize for all my grammar mistakes.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Yes, Ava, there is a Santa Claus....
and an Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Boogie Man and whatever damn else I can use to bribe you with.
This time of year seems not only brings out the goofy holiday cheer in me, but also often makes me think of my childhood during the month of December. It was the eighties, so being in a choir singing songs about "our Lord," decorating our class Christmas tree with nativity scene ornaments and saying "Merry Christmas" all the time was normal. Today, kids stick to singing Jingle Bells, usually the only Christmas tree in classrooms are the paper ones the kids cut out themselves and we tend to say Happy Holidays. None of this bothers me. I'm not ranting about religion, beliefs or "non-denominational" Christmas like my mother does after a bottle of sherry. I respect everyone's freedom to celebrate the holiday as they like. But for the love of Christ, leave Santa and the Easter Bunny out of it!
I am a new parent. My daughter is 14 months old and we have our second due in June. I would love to sit back and say that both will be perfect and they will listen to everything I say. "Ava, brush your teeth." "OK, daddy, I love you." HA!!!!!! Keep dreaming. So what am I to do if my kids refuse to brush their teeth? Am I going to sit a five year old Ava down for an hour's lecture on the horrible risks of tooth decay and bleeding gums, or am I going to to tell her that the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to kids with rotten teeth? I think we both know the answer...
This time every year there is always some story about people complaining about how we've forgotten the True Meaning of Christmas and the story of Santa is a mockery to what we "should" be celebrating. I can't help but wonder if these people are childless. Or perhaps they are such great parents that there is no time in December when their child is behaving so aggravatingly that they don't have to break out the Santa threats.
Don't get me wrong. I will teach my kids the meaning of Christmas and Easter the same way I learned it - sitting them down and and making them watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Passion of the Christ in succession. You're right Mr Grinch, Christmas did come without ribbons. It did come without tags. It did come without packages, boxes and tags. I get it. I really, really get it.
I understand that people celebrate Christmas in different ways. Some have Santa, some don't. Between the age of nine (when I found out the truth about Santa) until Ava was born, I never gave it a second thought. I'd read these articles year after year and think it was a good debate. But today? What am I seriously going to do without him when come Christmas Eve my kids won't sleep? "Children, it's bed time! If you don't go to sleep you won't get any, uh, turkey tomorrow night!"?
In the end, I don't think Santa was really this saint from Holland who gave gifts to the less fortunate. I think it was some fat old dude back in the third century who was home with his kids one night. They were probably terrorizing the house by throwing cobble all over the place or chiseling their names in the wall when daddy just couldn't take it anymore and told them to be quiet or they won't get the roman statuettes he'd just bartered for. That hushed them up. He bragged to all his friends about how he got his kids to be good by bribing them with gifts and the story took off from there. Eitherway, I will do the same whether in December or April or whenever my kid loses a tooth.
Happy Holidays all.
This time of year seems not only brings out the goofy holiday cheer in me, but also often makes me think of my childhood during the month of December. It was the eighties, so being in a choir singing songs about "our Lord," decorating our class Christmas tree with nativity scene ornaments and saying "Merry Christmas" all the time was normal. Today, kids stick to singing Jingle Bells, usually the only Christmas tree in classrooms are the paper ones the kids cut out themselves and we tend to say Happy Holidays. None of this bothers me. I'm not ranting about religion, beliefs or "non-denominational" Christmas like my mother does after a bottle of sherry. I respect everyone's freedom to celebrate the holiday as they like. But for the love of Christ, leave Santa and the Easter Bunny out of it!
I am a new parent. My daughter is 14 months old and we have our second due in June. I would love to sit back and say that both will be perfect and they will listen to everything I say. "Ava, brush your teeth." "OK, daddy, I love you." HA!!!!!! Keep dreaming. So what am I to do if my kids refuse to brush their teeth? Am I going to sit a five year old Ava down for an hour's lecture on the horrible risks of tooth decay and bleeding gums, or am I going to to tell her that the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to kids with rotten teeth? I think we both know the answer...
This time every year there is always some story about people complaining about how we've forgotten the True Meaning of Christmas and the story of Santa is a mockery to what we "should" be celebrating. I can't help but wonder if these people are childless. Or perhaps they are such great parents that there is no time in December when their child is behaving so aggravatingly that they don't have to break out the Santa threats.
Don't get me wrong. I will teach my kids the meaning of Christmas and Easter the same way I learned it - sitting them down and and making them watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Passion of the Christ in succession. You're right Mr Grinch, Christmas did come without ribbons. It did come without tags. It did come without packages, boxes and tags. I get it. I really, really get it.
I understand that people celebrate Christmas in different ways. Some have Santa, some don't. Between the age of nine (when I found out the truth about Santa) until Ava was born, I never gave it a second thought. I'd read these articles year after year and think it was a good debate. But today? What am I seriously going to do without him when come Christmas Eve my kids won't sleep? "Children, it's bed time! If you don't go to sleep you won't get any, uh, turkey tomorrow night!"?
In the end, I don't think Santa was really this saint from Holland who gave gifts to the less fortunate. I think it was some fat old dude back in the third century who was home with his kids one night. They were probably terrorizing the house by throwing cobble all over the place or chiseling their names in the wall when daddy just couldn't take it anymore and told them to be quiet or they won't get the roman statuettes he'd just bartered for. That hushed them up. He bragged to all his friends about how he got his kids to be good by bribing them with gifts and the story took off from there. Eitherway, I will do the same whether in December or April or whenever my kid loses a tooth.
Happy Holidays all.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Dear Santa
Hope you are well and hope you are ready for the big trip around the world tonight. I don't want much this year, in fact, I really don't know what things are, so I'll be happy with anything. However, below is a list from daddy on the things I apparently need. I have been extra good this year and I know it's only my first full year outside of mommy's tummy, but man, I have been soooooo good. I have learned to walk, so now I'm able to run away from the bath tub faster. I have learned to talk, so now I can yell actual words all day long. I have learned to hold and drink from a sippy, so now I can fling it across the room when I don't want it. Even daddy calls me a "good girl" all the time. Just the other day we were at this government office and daddy was like number 50 in line to get to the front. So I decided to scream and get fussy and all of a sudden we were moved to the front of line and he was like "good girl, Ava.” Yay me!
Anywho, how is Mrs. Claus? Is she staying home with the elves tonight? Actually, is she home with them every day and night? How does she do it? That's a lot of elves to tend to. It's just me and daddy all day and he's always like "freeze, Ava!” or “get that out of your mouth.” And I'm always like "waaahh, waaahh” or “ahhhhhhh" and he's always like "what are you yelling at?” But I couldn't imagine being home with one elf, let alone that many.... You know, maybe if you have ten minutes tonight you should talk to my dad about quitting and taking some time to raise the elves and reindeer for awhile. Daddy seems to be handling it pretty well. Just the other day while I was yelling in my stroller on the way home he was like "wow, thank you for being so pleasant Ava!" and I was like "awwwwwww that's sweet, waaaaaahhhhhhh!"
I hope one day I get to meet you but for now I will keep leaving you letters and milk and cookies. So, like I said, below is a list of things daddy says I need, so I guess that's all I want for Christmas.
Love Ava
1) Ava, you need to stop putting everything in your mouth.
2) Ava, you need to hold still while daddy changes your diaper.
3) Ava, you need a nap.
4) Ava, you need to eat.
5) Ava, you need to stop grabbing the lamp.
6) Ava, you need to be careful with that knife (haha, just kidding "knives are NOT for babies")
7) Ava, you need a bath.
8) Ava, you need to learn to say momma so mommy will stop thinking I'm not trying to teach you that word.
9) Ava, you need to stop yelling at daddy.
10) Ava, you need to grow up and be rich so mommy and daddy can retire.
Anywho, how is Mrs. Claus? Is she staying home with the elves tonight? Actually, is she home with them every day and night? How does she do it? That's a lot of elves to tend to. It's just me and daddy all day and he's always like "freeze, Ava!” or “get that out of your mouth.” And I'm always like "waaahh, waaahh” or “ahhhhhhh" and he's always like "what are you yelling at?” But I couldn't imagine being home with one elf, let alone that many.... You know, maybe if you have ten minutes tonight you should talk to my dad about quitting and taking some time to raise the elves and reindeer for awhile. Daddy seems to be handling it pretty well. Just the other day while I was yelling in my stroller on the way home he was like "wow, thank you for being so pleasant Ava!" and I was like "awwwwwww that's sweet, waaaaaahhhhhhh!"
I hope one day I get to meet you but for now I will keep leaving you letters and milk and cookies. So, like I said, below is a list of things daddy says I need, so I guess that's all I want for Christmas.
Love Ava
1) Ava, you need to stop putting everything in your mouth.
2) Ava, you need to hold still while daddy changes your diaper.
3) Ava, you need a nap.
4) Ava, you need to eat.
5) Ava, you need to stop grabbing the lamp.
6) Ava, you need to be careful with that knife (haha, just kidding "knives are NOT for babies")
7) Ava, you need a bath.
8) Ava, you need to learn to say momma so mommy will stop thinking I'm not trying to teach you that word.
9) Ava, you need to stop yelling at daddy.
10) Ava, you need to grow up and be rich so mommy and daddy can retire.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Me fail english?!? That's umpossible!
First, let me apologize for my failure to update. Between Thanksgiving, decking the halls in Clark Griswold fashion, understanding a 14 month old’s mentality and now studying for my US citizenship test, I have fallen behind in my blog more than my tenth grade Spanish class. However, it is that last sentence that leads me into my next round of musings....am I smarter than a fifth grader?
I have never considered myself "smart" but always classified my brains under "street smart." Season three of the Apprentice, Book vs Street Smarts, was the first reality show I ever felt I could be on and excel at. In fact, I think I "coulda been ooge." Nonetheless, you could imagine my disappointment during the season finale to see Book Smarts, Kendra Todd, win. Not sure what sort of degree you need to have to smile and say "my house is worth what?" eight times in an half hour episode, but I'm pretty sure my diploma would have gotten me at least that far...
Either way, for the last three months, I have spent the majority of my time repeating words like dog, cat or milk to Ava. We take tours around the house and neighborhood and point out things like trees, tables and toilets. When not trying to build her vocabulary by pointing out simple little objects, the rest of my time with her is spent singing quirky nursery rhymes or Disney theme music. If you think you know all the words to Heigh Ho, you are wrong. I was just like you.... And when I'm not with Ava I find my discussions with other adults are centered around children.
I was with my wife the other day at her OB-GYN appointment and this fellow looked at our stroller, then looked directly at my wife and said "how do you like that thing?" Oh, the emotions running through me when he said that. First, I was insulted that he asked my wife rather than me. Then forgiveness set in as I was just so excited to give him the details of our Uppababy stroller experience. I completely cut my wife off from answering, looked him square in the eyes and gave him the pros and cons. And it didn't stop there. When he thanked me for my opinion, I cornered him in the hall 30 minutes later to give more specs. What have I become? For the past 11 years I have spent my time talking with key decision makers about P&Ls, ROIs and NDA's. And if not business jargon I would build conversation around current events like the recession, or the Bush administration or how the Yankees’ payroll far exceeds the GDP of most developing countries. Today? I invented a new word: "smeeglebloggin." Ava loves it.
So what has happened to my mind over these past three months? I'm not sure but I accidently came across a banner ad for the "are you smarter than a fifth grader quiz" and thought sure, this should be interesting. Turns out I'm 15% smarter than one. WHAT?!?!?!? Um.... Is cause for concern? Have the last three months made me dumber....I mean, more dumb....I mean, less intelligent....I spend so much time teaching the basics to Ava and talking about cloth diapers, is it possible I have inadvertently dumbed myself down....I mean, become less smart...I mean, become more simple-minded...?
What is the compound word in this sentence--the bus driver took an alternate route to the airport? Pretty easy right? My wife is waaaaay smarter than me and got it wrong too so I don't feel that bad but still, it's a fifth grade question.... The "problem" is that I have surrounded myself with people who overwhelm me with stories about their children or the new "gotta have" children’s item. And, if it's not who I surround myself with I create my own damage; a day out on the town for me is to Macy’s Santaland. My wife and I haven't been out to a dinner party or out with another a couple, sans children, in forever and the truth is, I'm scared to. What do I talk about? Can we talk about the kids? I'm scared that someone is going to say "adult only conversation tonight" and I'm not sure what they are going to mean. It’s not that I won't be able to talk adult stuff, it's just that I'm not that up to speed on hot topics or world events. When it hits 7pm and Ava goes to sleep, it is very hard to find the mental strength after a day of singing the alphabet song to then open the NY Times to read about Obama's plea to the Senate to approve the contentious health care legislation. What's worse? I am I big NFL fan (go Pats!), but ask me who the Patriots played last Sunday......no clue, just know they won. If someone asked me "hey catch last weeks Patriot’s game?” what do I say? "No, I while Ava was sleeping I was researching what discoloration of toddler poop should be cause of concern”?
Now I can't say I was always an avid reader of novels. I gained most of my knowledge from reading online or magazines or even hands on. But, if I open an article on CNN and the second line doesn't rhyme with the first my power to keep reading on has vanished. I'm talking to you, Dana Bash - I know it's hard to find a word to rhyme with Lieberman but I'm sure if Dr Seuss was alive today he would find one... What's more, is I find I respond to people in rhymes. "Will that be cash or credit sir"? "It will be credit, I concur". And everything I do or see daily must have a moral story attached. I must pay for my Ava's Christmas gift with either cash or credit because if I don't it's stealing.
Now, don't get me wrong. This has been the most fulfilling job I have ever had. In a perfect world I would love to do this until school starts for all my kids (once they are even born), but we can't predict the future. It's just that I have to live like I have multiple personality disorder. One personality is 14 months old and the other is 32. The 14 month old talks slowly using words like dada or ball, pretends to fall all the time and acts as if hiding behind a couch is the funniest thing in the world. The 32 year old needs to remember things like you can't leave your hammer and nails lying around, you can't put your Blackberry on the table without locking it and you most certainly can never leave the toilet seat up (a rule that never seemed to make sense when my wife used to tell me not to do it before we had kids).
So yes, I fill my days up living a life as a 14 month old sees it. One day when all our kids are grown up maybe I will be able to reconnect with society and be an adult again. For now, I'm more of a chimp stuck in a Jack Hannah zoo experiment - I am learning how to adapt in my new habitat, I will point at stuff all day long, laugh like a maniac and one day when I'm just getting the hang of everything, I will be let back out into the wild unsure of what my new learnings will actually do for me. I will have to accept that my brain has been dulled a bit. I will have to accept I have lost some wit. I don't know if my intelligence will reappear. I do not know and will not fear.
Oh, and compound word is airport. Airport.
I have never considered myself "smart" but always classified my brains under "street smart." Season three of the Apprentice, Book vs Street Smarts, was the first reality show I ever felt I could be on and excel at. In fact, I think I "coulda been ooge." Nonetheless, you could imagine my disappointment during the season finale to see Book Smarts, Kendra Todd, win. Not sure what sort of degree you need to have to smile and say "my house is worth what?" eight times in an half hour episode, but I'm pretty sure my diploma would have gotten me at least that far...
Either way, for the last three months, I have spent the majority of my time repeating words like dog, cat or milk to Ava. We take tours around the house and neighborhood and point out things like trees, tables and toilets. When not trying to build her vocabulary by pointing out simple little objects, the rest of my time with her is spent singing quirky nursery rhymes or Disney theme music. If you think you know all the words to Heigh Ho, you are wrong. I was just like you.... And when I'm not with Ava I find my discussions with other adults are centered around children.
I was with my wife the other day at her OB-GYN appointment and this fellow looked at our stroller, then looked directly at my wife and said "how do you like that thing?" Oh, the emotions running through me when he said that. First, I was insulted that he asked my wife rather than me. Then forgiveness set in as I was just so excited to give him the details of our Uppababy stroller experience. I completely cut my wife off from answering, looked him square in the eyes and gave him the pros and cons. And it didn't stop there. When he thanked me for my opinion, I cornered him in the hall 30 minutes later to give more specs. What have I become? For the past 11 years I have spent my time talking with key decision makers about P&Ls, ROIs and NDA's. And if not business jargon I would build conversation around current events like the recession, or the Bush administration or how the Yankees’ payroll far exceeds the GDP of most developing countries. Today? I invented a new word: "smeeglebloggin." Ava loves it.
So what has happened to my mind over these past three months? I'm not sure but I accidently came across a banner ad for the "are you smarter than a fifth grader quiz" and thought sure, this should be interesting. Turns out I'm 15% smarter than one. WHAT?!?!?!? Um.... Is cause for concern? Have the last three months made me dumber....I mean, more dumb....I mean, less intelligent....I spend so much time teaching the basics to Ava and talking about cloth diapers, is it possible I have inadvertently dumbed myself down....I mean, become less smart...I mean, become more simple-minded...?
What is the compound word in this sentence--the bus driver took an alternate route to the airport? Pretty easy right? My wife is waaaaay smarter than me and got it wrong too so I don't feel that bad but still, it's a fifth grade question.... The "problem" is that I have surrounded myself with people who overwhelm me with stories about their children or the new "gotta have" children’s item. And, if it's not who I surround myself with I create my own damage; a day out on the town for me is to Macy’s Santaland. My wife and I haven't been out to a dinner party or out with another a couple, sans children, in forever and the truth is, I'm scared to. What do I talk about? Can we talk about the kids? I'm scared that someone is going to say "adult only conversation tonight" and I'm not sure what they are going to mean. It’s not that I won't be able to talk adult stuff, it's just that I'm not that up to speed on hot topics or world events. When it hits 7pm and Ava goes to sleep, it is very hard to find the mental strength after a day of singing the alphabet song to then open the NY Times to read about Obama's plea to the Senate to approve the contentious health care legislation. What's worse? I am I big NFL fan (go Pats!), but ask me who the Patriots played last Sunday......no clue, just know they won. If someone asked me "hey catch last weeks Patriot’s game?” what do I say? "No, I while Ava was sleeping I was researching what discoloration of toddler poop should be cause of concern”?
Now I can't say I was always an avid reader of novels. I gained most of my knowledge from reading online or magazines or even hands on. But, if I open an article on CNN and the second line doesn't rhyme with the first my power to keep reading on has vanished. I'm talking to you, Dana Bash - I know it's hard to find a word to rhyme with Lieberman but I'm sure if Dr Seuss was alive today he would find one... What's more, is I find I respond to people in rhymes. "Will that be cash or credit sir"? "It will be credit, I concur". And everything I do or see daily must have a moral story attached. I must pay for my Ava's Christmas gift with either cash or credit because if I don't it's stealing.
Now, don't get me wrong. This has been the most fulfilling job I have ever had. In a perfect world I would love to do this until school starts for all my kids (once they are even born), but we can't predict the future. It's just that I have to live like I have multiple personality disorder. One personality is 14 months old and the other is 32. The 14 month old talks slowly using words like dada or ball, pretends to fall all the time and acts as if hiding behind a couch is the funniest thing in the world. The 32 year old needs to remember things like you can't leave your hammer and nails lying around, you can't put your Blackberry on the table without locking it and you most certainly can never leave the toilet seat up (a rule that never seemed to make sense when my wife used to tell me not to do it before we had kids).
So yes, I fill my days up living a life as a 14 month old sees it. One day when all our kids are grown up maybe I will be able to reconnect with society and be an adult again. For now, I'm more of a chimp stuck in a Jack Hannah zoo experiment - I am learning how to adapt in my new habitat, I will point at stuff all day long, laugh like a maniac and one day when I'm just getting the hang of everything, I will be let back out into the wild unsure of what my new learnings will actually do for me. I will have to accept that my brain has been dulled a bit. I will have to accept I have lost some wit. I don't know if my intelligence will reappear. I do not know and will not fear.
Oh, and compound word is airport. Airport.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Maybe it's me.
I'm walking down Fifth Avenue, in Brooklyn, to go to the Y. I'm not a fast walker by any means, I mean; I am pushing a 30 lb stroller with a 20 lb toddler inside. But good lord! What is it about people that walk in threes of fours along the sidewalk?!? Seriously?!? You obviously see people coming at you and you can most certainly hear the screams of my child coming from behind you. But still, still you don't move. Is it wrong that I "accidentally" clip your heel with my front wheel? Or accidentally have my kid whip her sippy at you?
Either way, this makes me think of all the things that used to frustrate me pre-Ava and all the things that frustrate me now. Were my expectations of human behavior too high before or too high now? Is what I view as common courtesy not true today, or was I just such an ass before Ava was born that I thought I was too good for this world? You be the judge.
Below are two lists I created. The first is a list of all the things that used to tick me off before I had my daughter, and then after, before we decided I quit and stay home to raise her. The second is a list of all the things that really get to me today. It’s not that I don't find the things on the first list annoying anymore, but they just don't get under my skin as much. I don't know. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. Maybe I'm getting old and, like my father, find mostly everything in life pisses me off. Maybe it’s just me.
Angry List – pre-Ava
1. Drivers who don't signal. Apparently the effort to push down on that tiny little stick coming out of your steering wheel is waaaay too hard.
2. Two tellers staffed out of a possible seven at the bank on a Friday afternoon (because it’s a long weekend and I need to beat the traffic up north and been in line for 30 minutes).
3. Men who don't hold open doors for anyone.
People on the same flight as me with a child under eight (especially a baby), and sat anywhere close to me.
4. Cover charge at bars. What, precisely, is that money going towards?
5. The price of Maple Leaf hockey tickets. 1967, people. 1967!
6. When someone is hogging any piece of equipment at the gym. And by “hogging” I mean just sitting there staring at the girls.
7. People who brag about the car they drive. You will get married, and you will drive a mini van.
8. People who just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You all know who you are.
9. The Gap. Need I say more?
Angry List – Today
1. The collective sigh from all the passengers when they see me board the plane with a one year old. I know what you're all thinking - "not near me, not near me" - and I secretly pray it’s by someone who rolls their eyes.
2. Anyone, man or woman, who don't hold a door open for a person with a child. My child and I will give you the stink eye.
3. Child cover charge at family restaurants. Just add the price into the food so it’s not as upsetting.
4. Two tellers available out of possibly seven at a bank on any given day. My child WILL let you (and everyone else) know it’s taking too long.
5. All drivers.
6. The price of whole milk. Is this a golden cow?
7. When people sign up for free babysitting at the Y and don't show up. I could have used that spot but instead you’re home still contemplating whether or not to work out.
8. People who brag about the stroller they have. It’s metal and nylon people.
9. People that STILL just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You STILL know who you are.
10. Pediatrician offices. My visits are ten minutes flat. What's the hold up?
11. Baby Gap. No need to say more.
Either way, this makes me think of all the things that used to frustrate me pre-Ava and all the things that frustrate me now. Were my expectations of human behavior too high before or too high now? Is what I view as common courtesy not true today, or was I just such an ass before Ava was born that I thought I was too good for this world? You be the judge.
Below are two lists I created. The first is a list of all the things that used to tick me off before I had my daughter, and then after, before we decided I quit and stay home to raise her. The second is a list of all the things that really get to me today. It’s not that I don't find the things on the first list annoying anymore, but they just don't get under my skin as much. I don't know. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. Maybe I'm getting old and, like my father, find mostly everything in life pisses me off. Maybe it’s just me.
Angry List – pre-Ava
1. Drivers who don't signal. Apparently the effort to push down on that tiny little stick coming out of your steering wheel is waaaay too hard.
2. Two tellers staffed out of a possible seven at the bank on a Friday afternoon (because it’s a long weekend and I need to beat the traffic up north and been in line for 30 minutes).
3. Men who don't hold open doors for anyone.
People on the same flight as me with a child under eight (especially a baby), and sat anywhere close to me.
4. Cover charge at bars. What, precisely, is that money going towards?
5. The price of Maple Leaf hockey tickets. 1967, people. 1967!
6. When someone is hogging any piece of equipment at the gym. And by “hogging” I mean just sitting there staring at the girls.
7. People who brag about the car they drive. You will get married, and you will drive a mini van.
8. People who just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You all know who you are.
9. The Gap. Need I say more?
Angry List – Today
1. The collective sigh from all the passengers when they see me board the plane with a one year old. I know what you're all thinking - "not near me, not near me" - and I secretly pray it’s by someone who rolls their eyes.
2. Anyone, man or woman, who don't hold a door open for a person with a child. My child and I will give you the stink eye.
3. Child cover charge at family restaurants. Just add the price into the food so it’s not as upsetting.
4. Two tellers available out of possibly seven at a bank on any given day. My child WILL let you (and everyone else) know it’s taking too long.
5. All drivers.
6. The price of whole milk. Is this a golden cow?
7. When people sign up for free babysitting at the Y and don't show up. I could have used that spot but instead you’re home still contemplating whether or not to work out.
8. People who brag about the stroller they have. It’s metal and nylon people.
9. People that STILL just stop walking in the middle of a sidewalk or mall. You STILL know who you are.
10. Pediatrician offices. My visits are ten minutes flat. What's the hold up?
11. Baby Gap. No need to say more.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
You are a stay at home what?
I'm almost four months into my new role and the fact that Ava has not had one cut (or is simply still here) must mean I'm doing something right. Ava is like my report that was due every Friday at work. I pour my heart and soul into it all week with no verbal recognition and the only way I know I'm still doing is a good job is that I'm allowed back into the building Monday morning.
So where do I get my recognition? Rephrase. Where is my “male” recognition? After four months its pretty easy for me to describe the typical response I get from “working men” when I tell them I'm I stay at home dad. When I say “working,” I mean men who generally go to a place of business every day. Yes, what I do is work, too, but my boss is a foot tall, cries when she doesn’t get her way and needs help cutting her food. Wait....my old boss was kinda like that, too, minus the foot tall part. Anyway, there are three types of categories I can put my fellow man into when I tell them my job. Below are these categories.
1. The "Really!?! Huh....." Group
Gender: Male
Age: 34-60+
Avg. Salary: $200K+++
Relationship to you: Your boss. Your boss’s boss. CEO. Grandfathers.
Other quotes from this group: “Never catch me doing that.” “Ahhh...like my wife?” “Good luck with that.” “How about a promotion and the corner office?” “Too bad, we saw good things for you here” (funny they never said that before).
This group mainly consists of egotistical males who feel money, power and respect is what makes a man. They are generally set in their old-fashioned ways, with some who still complain about women’s right to vote. They are for the most part the leaders you looked to for guidance when you had an office job. And who may take your decision to quit personally, and react emotionally.
2. The “Must be nice...” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 23-33
Avg. Salary: Unemployed-$110K
Relationship to you: Your male friends. Brother. Brother-in-law. Married colleagues making the same as you.
Other quotes from this group: “Good luck, Mr. Mom.” “Dude, who's gonna be my ride to work in the morning now?” “Call me when Oprah’s on.” “Call me when Dr. Phil is on.” “Take me with you and we can start a Daddy Day care.”
This group is mostly made up of your male friends. They think being a stay home dad is about hanging around the house all day, eating bon-bons and watching TV. They picture Peggy Bundy. It is also made up of colleagues who you thought were your good friends but were secretly lurking in the shadows for you to quit or mess up so they could pounce on that next promotion like a starving tiger. They will make funny little comments to look like they are the “good guy” but realistically, you will never talk to them again after your going away party. The same party they have been planning ever since your boss asked you to go for a beer alone.
3. The “What's that like?” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 30-65
Avg. Salary: $40K-millions
Relationship to you: None. They are your wife’s girlfriend’s partner. Or they are your wife’s male colleagues.
Other quotes from this group: “Ahhhh.” “Cool.” “I saw Mrs. Doubtfire.”
This group is pretty much just made of the males in your partner’s life that are too afraid to speak their mind. They respect your partner and are cautious of boundaries to not upset anyone (mainly your partner). They are “interested” to hear about what you do only when your partner is around and following each of your sentences with a simple nod and “nice.” But the moment your partner is gone the conversation quickly turns to sports.
So what male in my life is actually interested in what I do? Easy. Other stay at home dads. Below is their category.
The "Does your kid do this. Oh my god, what is that....?" Group.
Gender: All male all the time
Age: 27-45
Avg. salary: Zip. Zero. Nada. Hugs.
Relationship to you: The other SAHDs you meet once a week for a play date where you can order beer.
Other quotes from this group: “I used to be a.....” “Do you find your life to be more philosophical now.” “This diaper bag demeans us both.” “I wish I had boobs sometimes.”
So where do I get my recognition? Rephrase. Where is my “male” recognition? After four months its pretty easy for me to describe the typical response I get from “working men” when I tell them I'm I stay at home dad. When I say “working,” I mean men who generally go to a place of business every day. Yes, what I do is work, too, but my boss is a foot tall, cries when she doesn’t get her way and needs help cutting her food. Wait....my old boss was kinda like that, too, minus the foot tall part. Anyway, there are three types of categories I can put my fellow man into when I tell them my job. Below are these categories.
1. The "Really!?! Huh....." Group
Gender: Male
Age: 34-60+
Avg. Salary: $200K+++
Relationship to you: Your boss. Your boss’s boss. CEO. Grandfathers.
Other quotes from this group: “Never catch me doing that.” “Ahhh...like my wife?” “Good luck with that.” “How about a promotion and the corner office?” “Too bad, we saw good things for you here” (funny they never said that before).
This group mainly consists of egotistical males who feel money, power and respect is what makes a man. They are generally set in their old-fashioned ways, with some who still complain about women’s right to vote. They are for the most part the leaders you looked to for guidance when you had an office job. And who may take your decision to quit personally, and react emotionally.
2. The “Must be nice...” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 23-33
Avg. Salary: Unemployed-$110K
Relationship to you: Your male friends. Brother. Brother-in-law. Married colleagues making the same as you.
Other quotes from this group: “Good luck, Mr. Mom.” “Dude, who's gonna be my ride to work in the morning now?” “Call me when Oprah’s on.” “Call me when Dr. Phil is on.” “Take me with you and we can start a Daddy Day care.”
This group is mostly made up of your male friends. They think being a stay home dad is about hanging around the house all day, eating bon-bons and watching TV. They picture Peggy Bundy. It is also made up of colleagues who you thought were your good friends but were secretly lurking in the shadows for you to quit or mess up so they could pounce on that next promotion like a starving tiger. They will make funny little comments to look like they are the “good guy” but realistically, you will never talk to them again after your going away party. The same party they have been planning ever since your boss asked you to go for a beer alone.
3. The “What's that like?” Group
Gender: Male
Age: 30-65
Avg. Salary: $40K-millions
Relationship to you: None. They are your wife’s girlfriend’s partner. Or they are your wife’s male colleagues.
Other quotes from this group: “Ahhhh.” “Cool.” “I saw Mrs. Doubtfire.”
This group is pretty much just made of the males in your partner’s life that are too afraid to speak their mind. They respect your partner and are cautious of boundaries to not upset anyone (mainly your partner). They are “interested” to hear about what you do only when your partner is around and following each of your sentences with a simple nod and “nice.” But the moment your partner is gone the conversation quickly turns to sports.
So what male in my life is actually interested in what I do? Easy. Other stay at home dads. Below is their category.
The "Does your kid do this. Oh my god, what is that....?" Group.
Gender: All male all the time
Age: 27-45
Avg. salary: Zip. Zero. Nada. Hugs.
Relationship to you: The other SAHDs you meet once a week for a play date where you can order beer.
Other quotes from this group: “I used to be a.....” “Do you find your life to be more philosophical now.” “This diaper bag demeans us both.” “I wish I had boobs sometimes.”
Monday, November 2, 2009
My morning with Daddy
Ahhh crap! I think I overslept. It feels more like 7am, not 6am. Oh well, whatever, better just start letting daddy know I'm ready to start the day. Waaaaaaaaah. Waaaaahhhhh. Waaaaahhhh. Ugh. Sometimes daddy thinks I'm going to go back to bed but not today, old man. Get up, lazy. Waaaaahhhh. Here we go. I see a light in the hall. Yup, he's here. I hear his baby voice: "Good morning lady!" Good lord! I'm a year old, far from a lady. Crap, think I just pooped. Yeah, yeah, hi, daddy, nice to see you too. *Do cute eye rub and give spaced out look now, he loves that.* Yes, genius, I slept well. Pretty obvious no?!? I went down like 11 hours ago. Pick me up please, I need a diaper change. Easy on the diaper rash cream too, I found some on my knee last night. Okay, what are you going to use to distract me while you try to change my diaper? A block? Stuffed toy? A book? Good luck this...oooooh, your glasses. Gimme gimme gimme. You're taking forever, dude. Shouldn't have switched to cloth. Time's up, buddy, I'm turning over. Ha! How do you like that?!? My butt is in the air and you're struggling to put my onesie back on. Good luck getting me to turn back over! I can do.....ooooh, your hat! Gimme gimme gimme. Ugh. You win this one.
Straight to the kitchen please, I'm starving. You can use the bathroom later. What's for breakfast? Excuse me garcon, I would like to see a menu. Please not waffles. Please not waffles. Booooo, it's waffles du jour. Better call the dog in, I'm gonna be tossing some of these pieces on the floor. Hi, yes, I would like organic whole milk to start and your finest organic blueberry waffle lightly toasted. Thanks. Excuse me garcon, my milk is a little cold. Can you warm it up for me? My waffle is done. Finally! Oooh, a little syrup too. What's that? Don't tell mommy? I won't. Guess I can't anyway cause all I can say is dada and cat. This waffle is pretty good today. I will compliment the chef by bouncing in my high chair and stuffing my face. Um, garcon, would you mind removing this dog from your establishment? He's hovering around me. Thanks. Oh, and could you turn up the music? I can't hear Dave Matthews over my babbling. Ok. I'm done. Please bring me my check and some water. I have left your tip in my diaper. And please alert the valet that I will be requiring a lift from this highchair to the living room.
Aaaah. I'm stuffed. Wait. No. I'm hungry. Oh look, daddy's Blackberry. Why is there someone saying something to me from daddy's phone? It sounds familiar. Sounds like gramma. How did she know I had daddy's phone and why does she just keep saying hello? Yeesh, even I know more words than that. Whatever, I'll just keep pushing some buttons to let her know I'm here. I think she's gone. That was rude, she didn't even say goodbye. Okay, I'm done with my toy. What's over here? Hmmm, that's odd. There used to be a glass bowl on top of this table. Where is it? I usually tried reaching for it and daddy would always say "not for babies." Its so cute when he says that. And he says it often too! Wait, there it is. Ugh, how am I going to reach that all the way up there? Whatever. What's over h... Sorry, brief pause. I fell. Waaaah. Waaah. Waaaah. I love when I fall cause daddy always picks me up and makes funny noises. They sound like farts. Giggle, giggle, giggle. Okay, I'm good. What was I crying ab....ooooh what's over here? Wait. Excuse me, daddy? I used to be able to open this drawer all the way. Seems to be something preventing me from doing that now. Please assist. No, I would not like to play with my Leapfrog table. I would like to play with this drawer. Good, he's coming over. Wait, wait. Why you picking me up? Put me down. I would like to see what's in the dr....oooooh my Wheelybug! Good call, daddy. Could you prop me up into a stand position please? Thanks. And I'm off. Wheeeeeeeeee. Ugh. I'm stuck. Who put this wall here? It wasn't here yesterday. Hello?!? Need a little help. Hello?!? Waaah. Waaaaah. Waaaaah. No daddy, I'm not tired and cranky. I'm stuck in this corner. I do not need a nap, thank you very much. Yeeesh. You and the "naps." Go use the bathroom or something. I release you from your duties for two or three minutes. Wait. No. I didn't mean it. Come back. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Come back.....yay mommy is here to supervise before she goes to work. Look, mommy. I pulled all this stuff out of my toy box. I'm not using any of it but we can sit here and stare at it. Want to do a chant with me, mommy? Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. No, I'm saying dada not momma. I don't know that word yet. I love when I chant dada. Mommy always gives daddy this evil stare. Oooooh, what's this? The tv converter? Woohoooo. Let me just press all these buttons and....yay, now the tv is on. Ooooooh, the Today Show. I love the Today Show. Except I can never find Matt Lauer. What's that Al Roker? What's going on in my neck of the woods? Ummm, mostly clear with a 100 percent chance of poop. Oh, daddy is back. Guess mommy is going to work now. Pick me up daddy, I would like to say goodbye to mommy. Yes, yes, daddy, I know she's leaving. I'm saying goodbye. Look at my hand, it's in the air. Now kiss her and put me down, I see a drawer I was working on before.
Okay....apparently you don't want to put me down, but rather you request my assistance in pointing items out in the room. Let's make this snappy, that drawer is calling my name. Yes, that's the balloon there. That's the clock there. Yeesh, you're like 31, dude. Don't you remember? Yes, the pictures of me are there (I do look cute if I say so myself). The fan is up there. The table? What's that? Table? Ummmm....there? Oh, wait, that's you I'm pointing at. Table, table, let's see.....there? Yes! Sweet! Ha! Take that, Baby Einstein! Okay, I'm a little bored. Let's try some walking. Grab my hands and stand behind me please, daddy. For the love of Pete! I said behind me. Not in front. Waaah. Waaah. Waaaahh. Now get back there already. Okay, here we go. I'm walking. I'm walking. Check me out everybody. Now daddy stopped and is walking away. Not sure why, but maybe he's tired. It has been a busy morning for the poor guy. Wait. If he's walking away and I'm still standing....then what am I holding on to? That's it! I'm falling. Waaaaah. Waaaaah waaaah. Take that, daddy! Teach you to walk away. Waaah waahhhh....ooooh airplane ride. Wheeeeeeee. Attention passengers, this is your captain, Ava, speaking. If you look to the left you will see a bookshelf. If you look to your right you will see......my drawer I was trying to open!!! Please buckle up we are preparing to land. Waaaaahhhhh. Oooooh, you are a good distractor, Mr Bennett but please sit me down in front of my draw.....ABCDEFGHI....I love this song. LMNOP. La la la la la. Excuse me, Mr DJ? I would like to hear Old MacDonald Had a Farm and please make sure a rooster is there this time. I love that cockadoodle doo noise. Hmmm, daddy is funny sometimes. Maybe I should smile, clap and give him a couple more giggles to let him know he's alright. Done. EIEIEIOOOOO. Ahhhhh, good show daddy. Good show. Yawwwwwwwn. Crap. Did daddy see that? Crap, crap. I think he saw me yawn. Yup, here he comes. Ahhh well, its been a good three hour run. I'll get a little nap on and hope that he works on his pitch while I sleep. He was a little flat on that last song. He tidied my toys. Check. He restocked my wipes. Check. He changed my diaper. Check. Wait. Wait. You forgot something. A hug from me. Here you go, daddy. Love you. See you in an hour.
Straight to the kitchen please, I'm starving. You can use the bathroom later. What's for breakfast? Excuse me garcon, I would like to see a menu. Please not waffles. Please not waffles. Booooo, it's waffles du jour. Better call the dog in, I'm gonna be tossing some of these pieces on the floor. Hi, yes, I would like organic whole milk to start and your finest organic blueberry waffle lightly toasted. Thanks. Excuse me garcon, my milk is a little cold. Can you warm it up for me? My waffle is done. Finally! Oooh, a little syrup too. What's that? Don't tell mommy? I won't. Guess I can't anyway cause all I can say is dada and cat. This waffle is pretty good today. I will compliment the chef by bouncing in my high chair and stuffing my face. Um, garcon, would you mind removing this dog from your establishment? He's hovering around me. Thanks. Oh, and could you turn up the music? I can't hear Dave Matthews over my babbling. Ok. I'm done. Please bring me my check and some water. I have left your tip in my diaper. And please alert the valet that I will be requiring a lift from this highchair to the living room.
Aaaah. I'm stuffed. Wait. No. I'm hungry. Oh look, daddy's Blackberry. Why is there someone saying something to me from daddy's phone? It sounds familiar. Sounds like gramma. How did she know I had daddy's phone and why does she just keep saying hello? Yeesh, even I know more words than that. Whatever, I'll just keep pushing some buttons to let her know I'm here. I think she's gone. That was rude, she didn't even say goodbye. Okay, I'm done with my toy. What's over here? Hmmm, that's odd. There used to be a glass bowl on top of this table. Where is it? I usually tried reaching for it and daddy would always say "not for babies." Its so cute when he says that. And he says it often too! Wait, there it is. Ugh, how am I going to reach that all the way up there? Whatever. What's over h... Sorry, brief pause. I fell. Waaaah. Waaah. Waaaah. I love when I fall cause daddy always picks me up and makes funny noises. They sound like farts. Giggle, giggle, giggle. Okay, I'm good. What was I crying ab....ooooh what's over here? Wait. Excuse me, daddy? I used to be able to open this drawer all the way. Seems to be something preventing me from doing that now. Please assist. No, I would not like to play with my Leapfrog table. I would like to play with this drawer. Good, he's coming over. Wait, wait. Why you picking me up? Put me down. I would like to see what's in the dr....oooooh my Wheelybug! Good call, daddy. Could you prop me up into a stand position please? Thanks. And I'm off. Wheeeeeeeeee. Ugh. I'm stuck. Who put this wall here? It wasn't here yesterday. Hello?!? Need a little help. Hello?!? Waaah. Waaaaah. Waaaaah. No daddy, I'm not tired and cranky. I'm stuck in this corner. I do not need a nap, thank you very much. Yeeesh. You and the "naps." Go use the bathroom or something. I release you from your duties for two or three minutes. Wait. No. I didn't mean it. Come back. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Come back.....yay mommy is here to supervise before she goes to work. Look, mommy. I pulled all this stuff out of my toy box. I'm not using any of it but we can sit here and stare at it. Want to do a chant with me, mommy? Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. No, I'm saying dada not momma. I don't know that word yet. I love when I chant dada. Mommy always gives daddy this evil stare. Oooooh, what's this? The tv converter? Woohoooo. Let me just press all these buttons and....yay, now the tv is on. Ooooooh, the Today Show. I love the Today Show. Except I can never find Matt Lauer. What's that Al Roker? What's going on in my neck of the woods? Ummm, mostly clear with a 100 percent chance of poop. Oh, daddy is back. Guess mommy is going to work now. Pick me up daddy, I would like to say goodbye to mommy. Yes, yes, daddy, I know she's leaving. I'm saying goodbye. Look at my hand, it's in the air. Now kiss her and put me down, I see a drawer I was working on before.
Okay....apparently you don't want to put me down, but rather you request my assistance in pointing items out in the room. Let's make this snappy, that drawer is calling my name. Yes, that's the balloon there. That's the clock there. Yeesh, you're like 31, dude. Don't you remember? Yes, the pictures of me are there (I do look cute if I say so myself). The fan is up there. The table? What's that? Table? Ummmm....there? Oh, wait, that's you I'm pointing at. Table, table, let's see.....there? Yes! Sweet! Ha! Take that, Baby Einstein! Okay, I'm a little bored. Let's try some walking. Grab my hands and stand behind me please, daddy. For the love of Pete! I said behind me. Not in front. Waaah. Waaah. Waaaahh. Now get back there already. Okay, here we go. I'm walking. I'm walking. Check me out everybody. Now daddy stopped and is walking away. Not sure why, but maybe he's tired. It has been a busy morning for the poor guy. Wait. If he's walking away and I'm still standing....then what am I holding on to? That's it! I'm falling. Waaaaah. Waaaaah waaaah. Take that, daddy! Teach you to walk away. Waaah waahhhh....ooooh airplane ride. Wheeeeeeee. Attention passengers, this is your captain, Ava, speaking. If you look to the left you will see a bookshelf. If you look to your right you will see......my drawer I was trying to open!!! Please buckle up we are preparing to land. Waaaaahhhhh. Oooooh, you are a good distractor, Mr Bennett but please sit me down in front of my draw.....ABCDEFGHI....I love this song. LMNOP. La la la la la. Excuse me, Mr DJ? I would like to hear Old MacDonald Had a Farm and please make sure a rooster is there this time. I love that cockadoodle doo noise. Hmmm, daddy is funny sometimes. Maybe I should smile, clap and give him a couple more giggles to let him know he's alright. Done. EIEIEIOOOOO. Ahhhhh, good show daddy. Good show. Yawwwwwwwn. Crap. Did daddy see that? Crap, crap. I think he saw me yawn. Yup, here he comes. Ahhh well, its been a good three hour run. I'll get a little nap on and hope that he works on his pitch while I sleep. He was a little flat on that last song. He tidied my toys. Check. He restocked my wipes. Check. He changed my diaper. Check. Wait. Wait. You forgot something. A hug from me. Here you go, daddy. Love you. See you in an hour.
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